When I sleep, and dream, nothing matters.
Once before, after heartbreak I had terrible nightmares, but it seems they made me stronger and now sleep is only an escape.
I can sleep for ages, and almost anywhere.
When I wake up, reality is harsh..
Charlemagne could be an escape from the bad,
I think I rebel too much, because I can.
Maybe for once I need someone to keep 'me' good.
I wonder what would happen if I did..
1/31/2010
Why am I like this?
Buggeration. I can't lose my Shumba for my love of Giacomo.
I spoke to him last night, and learnt a few points.
He cannot love properly.
He loves only his Father truely
and me? He doesn't know.. I'm different. Special. He loves me and yet refuses to explain.
He hates himself, he thinks he is worthless, and wants to fade.
Because of his hatred, he purposely wants people to hate him and hurt him.
I love my Shumba.
And anyone who looks at us would see it easily.
I'd do about anything for Shumba,
but I've never felt Shumba has trusted me or opened up as they could.
Shumba has always always been a mystery to me,
sometimes I feel like I'm not there, or I'm just annoying.
Anyone I love, I wish for Shumba to approve of.
Of everyone I've met, of few do I understand so well, and few have I seen with such beautiful a nature,
Giacomo has buried the beauty of his nature down,
Of everyone, I thought I could bring that back out in him,
And for a nature so beautiful, the cost of doing so should be worth it,
I don't mind hurt it would inflict upon me,
When someone has no faith in themselves, thinks they are nothing special, not worthy of anything,
if you knew different, if you could make them see...
Wouldn't you show them otherwise?
Love them unconditionally, and believe in them no matter what.
It always comes back to Shumba and my Pride.
I love them, and I can't lose them.
Giacomo is and always will be a part of my pride, in that I will always watch over him,
and any other in my pride who was lost and hurt, I would follow just the same.
They think I don't love them but I do,
They have no idea what I'd do if I lost them,
But I can't stop doing what is in my nature,
What I believe in.
Sometimes I wish I could let go, for it'd be easier, to abandon one, and let them find their own lessons,
but I'm not like that, I can't abandon Giacomo.
I spoke to him last night, and learnt a few points.
He cannot love properly.
He loves only his Father truely
and me? He doesn't know.. I'm different. Special. He loves me and yet refuses to explain.
He hates himself, he thinks he is worthless, and wants to fade.
Because of his hatred, he purposely wants people to hate him and hurt him.
I love my Shumba.
And anyone who looks at us would see it easily.
I'd do about anything for Shumba,
but I've never felt Shumba has trusted me or opened up as they could.
Shumba has always always been a mystery to me,
sometimes I feel like I'm not there, or I'm just annoying.
Anyone I love, I wish for Shumba to approve of.
Of everyone I've met, of few do I understand so well, and few have I seen with such beautiful a nature,
Giacomo has buried the beauty of his nature down,
Of everyone, I thought I could bring that back out in him,
And for a nature so beautiful, the cost of doing so should be worth it,
I don't mind hurt it would inflict upon me,
When someone has no faith in themselves, thinks they are nothing special, not worthy of anything,
if you knew different, if you could make them see...
Wouldn't you show them otherwise?
Love them unconditionally, and believe in them no matter what.
It always comes back to Shumba and my Pride.
I love them, and I can't lose them.
Giacomo is and always will be a part of my pride, in that I will always watch over him,
and any other in my pride who was lost and hurt, I would follow just the same.
They think I don't love them but I do,
They have no idea what I'd do if I lost them,
But I can't stop doing what is in my nature,
What I believe in.
Sometimes I wish I could let go, for it'd be easier, to abandon one, and let them find their own lessons,
but I'm not like that, I can't abandon Giacomo.
1/30/2010
In love with a thug.
My oldest half sister married a thugish man. Mr Bowpitt.
He beat her, but she was too afraid to leave him. For her daughters sake too, my almost-sister, Claire. Because her Father had sexually abused his daughter from his last marriage.
So my Dad hired a van, drove round and picked up them and their stuff.
He took them to a hotel then came back home.
He came looking for them at my Dad's house, Daddy told him to go before the police came.
Daddy helped them settle into their own house.
That night two thugs came into a bar and said,
'Hey, your name Bowpitt?'
'Yeah,'
'Come here, got something for you'
They beat him to a pulp outside.
Never come back to Biggleswade, or we'll kill you.
People will do so much for a bottle of whiskey.
He beat her, but she was too afraid to leave him. For her daughters sake too, my almost-sister, Claire. Because her Father had sexually abused his daughter from his last marriage.
So my Dad hired a van, drove round and picked up them and their stuff.
He took them to a hotel then came back home.
He came looking for them at my Dad's house, Daddy told him to go before the police came.
Daddy helped them settle into their own house.
That night two thugs came into a bar and said,
'Hey, your name Bowpitt?'
'Yeah,'
'Come here, got something for you'
They beat him to a pulp outside.
Never come back to Biggleswade, or we'll kill you.
People will do so much for a bottle of whiskey.
:/
I think something that saddens me more than anything is just how much I love my father, and yet how we are so distant now.
He's getting old. I'm his 5th daughter, and I can see him weakening from how I first remember him.
I'm so afraid he'll die, I don't know how I'd cope. The mere thought breaks me down.
More than my Granny Mary, more than my brother, Nui.
I love George Brian Leslie so much. He's my idol, my hero. Everything I look up to, all that i've learnt, about how to be, I'm never ashamed to say I love him,
but it isnt as plain as it used to be,
We used to have such conversations, about the Darwin awards, the animal kingdom, quantum physics, chemistry, cloning, genetics, politics, history, everything.
He took me to so many countries, and taught me about every one, he sat me on his shoulders until I was 7.
I've seen the world with that man.
Now I love drama, and boys, and tea, and gossip. Things he doesn't like. I don't know how to open up anymore. It's like I don't have the time for chess games and science, I wish I did.
I miss him, and I think it's my own fault. But its just growing up...
I can't talk to him about love... He think's its foolish, but its all I believe.
I don't want him to die, and to have wasted this time I have, when he's here.
I want to protect him so much.
His life is 100 times more amazing than mine.
He's a genius. He was in Mensa. He published his first scientific paper in (I forget the name) but in this particular magazine, its hard to publish you first paper. If you do, youre likely to be on the way to a nobel prize. He published his first two in it.
He was good friends with Knights and other nobel prize winners. He was a well respected scientist, and wrote two books.
He's funny. He's the head of our family. He's always told jokes and stories. He's always defended his family.
He's my Daddy.
He's getting old. I'm his 5th daughter, and I can see him weakening from how I first remember him.
I'm so afraid he'll die, I don't know how I'd cope. The mere thought breaks me down.
More than my Granny Mary, more than my brother, Nui.
I love George Brian Leslie so much. He's my idol, my hero. Everything I look up to, all that i've learnt, about how to be, I'm never ashamed to say I love him,
but it isnt as plain as it used to be,
We used to have such conversations, about the Darwin awards, the animal kingdom, quantum physics, chemistry, cloning, genetics, politics, history, everything.
He took me to so many countries, and taught me about every one, he sat me on his shoulders until I was 7.
I've seen the world with that man.
Now I love drama, and boys, and tea, and gossip. Things he doesn't like. I don't know how to open up anymore. It's like I don't have the time for chess games and science, I wish I did.
I miss him, and I think it's my own fault. But its just growing up...
I can't talk to him about love... He think's its foolish, but its all I believe.
I don't want him to die, and to have wasted this time I have, when he's here.
I want to protect him so much.
His life is 100 times more amazing than mine.
He's a genius. He was in Mensa. He published his first scientific paper in (I forget the name) but in this particular magazine, its hard to publish you first paper. If you do, youre likely to be on the way to a nobel prize. He published his first two in it.
He was good friends with Knights and other nobel prize winners. He was a well respected scientist, and wrote two books.
He's funny. He's the head of our family. He's always told jokes and stories. He's always defended his family.
He's my Daddy.
The Tale of Giacomo.
I know I can't tell it like he does (I don't know him half as well), his story wasn't linked with mine, but for the story, that continues, we are intwined.
This is how I see it from my eyes.
(Yeah, I know you all know who it is anyway.)
One day, a long time after a heartbreak, I left the cinema from watching a film, happily surprised. We decided to sit down, and we met three boys. I was afraid to speak, for I was shy and untrusting. Especially at Giacomo. He was beautiful, like the statue of a Lion. I was too afraid to touch it. He looked so real, if he came alive, he'd strike me dead. Attractive people I do not trust, at first.
I left, and he became real, and genuine.
I found that my heart was willing to open at any affection. My trust came slower, but surely.
I thought (from my instincts, ever trustworthy) he was a player. I was right. But I wanted that Lion, and with my head, and my heart focused on having that Lion. I pursued.
He escaped quickly, but my Lion came back.
Paladin, loved me greatly at this point, the real genuine love I trusted, and yet, he told me too late. He told me when the Lion had come back.
What is the love of a man, to the beauty of a Lion?
The part of me that wanted to be free, leave the hard memories, followed Giacomo.
This hurt Paladin, to see me run with a Lion. I thought he wouldn't be able to bear it, and I'd lose my great friendship.
Giacomo was not all beauty. Yes the lights draw me, but I always empathise with the person, and the beast. Once I know them, I love all.
Perhaps my open love, spurred some reciprocation, perhaps the challenge of Paladin, or both.
It was about now I began to see a part of Giacomo's story.
There was sadness in his life, and suicidal thoughts. Bullies of his weight. His parents being perhaps too hard on him. A craving for love and acceptance, that I would always oblige.
I had faith in him, and it seemed enough to stop him.
I went away for a while, back to my other world. I missed Giacomo, but apparently it was too great for him to be away from me. Maybe that was a lie or an excuse. He wasn't my Lion then.
Upon my return, Paladin was waiting, with open arms and promises of everything I've ever wanted. So if I didn't have my Lion, which I was proud of, and loved, regardless of risk. I had real love.
Those days I was happy, being read stories and romance and such, but I was in love with the idea of Paladin, and not what he was. What he was is my friend, and I will always love him as such.
Giacomo seemed hurt by me and Paladin. Paladin only mocked Giacomo for it, to me.
Giacomo still spoke to me, and Paladin only told me how to make him 'love me' ..
I had been invited into Paladin's home, and was welcomed, but I felt so out of place, it wasn't right. I didn't belong here. I didn't connect with any of them. I hid behind Paladin.
Giacomo threatened me, he said he would have me, and I wanted it, I just didn't know it. And what no one knows, but what captured me was when he said 'You're mine, Cara.' And it was all, he was my Caro, and I was almost certainly his. Hearing it from him, Paladin shook in anger. Rage. But I told Paladin, Giacomo never would.
Yet I looked for him the next day anyways, and I found him.
He tried to convince me into sleeping with him, and golly gosh I'm a loyal beast, I hit that boy hard, to show my disapproval. But how can you keep hitting a Lion so beautiful? In a moment, I forgot myself, and unlike it was with Paladin, it felt right. Like I belonged.
The day after still, I saw Paladin, and I only craved my Lion, this proved that Giacomo was right.
I would have told Paladin that night, things could fall into place, but Giacomo appeared.
He hurt my Paladin, and Paladin ran away. From more than one kind of pain.
That night when he knew what I had done, he stopped talking and has never spoken since, despite my efforts, he hates me, and I will always love him.
Then began a time where I learnt about Giacomo, his parents chess game with Giacomo as the pawn.
Bullies, gangs, drugs to escape his pain, and violence.
Yet it seemed I could always protect him from it with belief and love
I was happy. I think it was a good time, with little friction.
Memories flicker, but the worst thing of all is, he's gone, and now I must retain my memories, even if its harder to recover, I can't forget.
I think it was my fault. I was foolish to think I could love a Lion and keep it.
He runs further away everyday.
Escaping in any outlet. From his pain, from being alone, and pushing everyone away, because people are afraid to love Lions, they don't understand them, they fear them, they hate them,
I'll say less on this part, but,
I believe in my Lion, they are brave and strong, more than they realise.
If the Lion knew his own strength, no man could stop him.
Giacomo is better than people realise, secret things I see..
Writing, poetry, art, reading, a beautiful nature
and a capacity for love,
Only weighed down by misfortune and poor judgement
I've said too much.
This is how I see it from my eyes.
(Yeah, I know you all know who it is anyway.)
One day, a long time after a heartbreak, I left the cinema from watching a film, happily surprised. We decided to sit down, and we met three boys. I was afraid to speak, for I was shy and untrusting. Especially at Giacomo. He was beautiful, like the statue of a Lion. I was too afraid to touch it. He looked so real, if he came alive, he'd strike me dead. Attractive people I do not trust, at first.
I left, and he became real, and genuine.
I found that my heart was willing to open at any affection. My trust came slower, but surely.
I thought (from my instincts, ever trustworthy) he was a player. I was right. But I wanted that Lion, and with my head, and my heart focused on having that Lion. I pursued.
He escaped quickly, but my Lion came back.
Paladin, loved me greatly at this point, the real genuine love I trusted, and yet, he told me too late. He told me when the Lion had come back.
What is the love of a man, to the beauty of a Lion?
The part of me that wanted to be free, leave the hard memories, followed Giacomo.
This hurt Paladin, to see me run with a Lion. I thought he wouldn't be able to bear it, and I'd lose my great friendship.
Giacomo was not all beauty. Yes the lights draw me, but I always empathise with the person, and the beast. Once I know them, I love all.
Perhaps my open love, spurred some reciprocation, perhaps the challenge of Paladin, or both.
It was about now I began to see a part of Giacomo's story.
There was sadness in his life, and suicidal thoughts. Bullies of his weight. His parents being perhaps too hard on him. A craving for love and acceptance, that I would always oblige.
I had faith in him, and it seemed enough to stop him.
I went away for a while, back to my other world. I missed Giacomo, but apparently it was too great for him to be away from me. Maybe that was a lie or an excuse. He wasn't my Lion then.
Upon my return, Paladin was waiting, with open arms and promises of everything I've ever wanted. So if I didn't have my Lion, which I was proud of, and loved, regardless of risk. I had real love.
Those days I was happy, being read stories and romance and such, but I was in love with the idea of Paladin, and not what he was. What he was is my friend, and I will always love him as such.
Giacomo seemed hurt by me and Paladin. Paladin only mocked Giacomo for it, to me.
Giacomo still spoke to me, and Paladin only told me how to make him 'love me' ..
I had been invited into Paladin's home, and was welcomed, but I felt so out of place, it wasn't right. I didn't belong here. I didn't connect with any of them. I hid behind Paladin.
Giacomo threatened me, he said he would have me, and I wanted it, I just didn't know it. And what no one knows, but what captured me was when he said 'You're mine, Cara.' And it was all, he was my Caro, and I was almost certainly his. Hearing it from him, Paladin shook in anger. Rage. But I told Paladin, Giacomo never would.
Yet I looked for him the next day anyways, and I found him.
He tried to convince me into sleeping with him, and golly gosh I'm a loyal beast, I hit that boy hard, to show my disapproval. But how can you keep hitting a Lion so beautiful? In a moment, I forgot myself, and unlike it was with Paladin, it felt right. Like I belonged.
The day after still, I saw Paladin, and I only craved my Lion, this proved that Giacomo was right.
I would have told Paladin that night, things could fall into place, but Giacomo appeared.
He hurt my Paladin, and Paladin ran away. From more than one kind of pain.
That night when he knew what I had done, he stopped talking and has never spoken since, despite my efforts, he hates me, and I will always love him.
Then began a time where I learnt about Giacomo, his parents chess game with Giacomo as the pawn.
Bullies, gangs, drugs to escape his pain, and violence.
Yet it seemed I could always protect him from it with belief and love
I was happy. I think it was a good time, with little friction.
Memories flicker, but the worst thing of all is, he's gone, and now I must retain my memories, even if its harder to recover, I can't forget.
I think it was my fault. I was foolish to think I could love a Lion and keep it.
He runs further away everyday.
Escaping in any outlet. From his pain, from being alone, and pushing everyone away, because people are afraid to love Lions, they don't understand them, they fear them, they hate them,
I'll say less on this part, but,
I believe in my Lion, they are brave and strong, more than they realise.
If the Lion knew his own strength, no man could stop him.
Giacomo is better than people realise, secret things I see..
Writing, poetry, art, reading, a beautiful nature
and a capacity for love,
Only weighed down by misfortune and poor judgement
I've said too much.
1/29/2010
It's the nice ones you have to look out for.
So people say I'm nice, and I empathise with all people, and I'm too nice to people for my own good, and I'm going to be used for it.
But when I'm nasty I'm actually shamefully horrible.
When I verbally abuse, I don't just call names, I use peoples deepest insecurities against them.
I'm too violent physically if it comes to it.
:/
Most of the time I'm too nice for my own good, so hakuna matata :D
But when I'm nasty I'm actually shamefully horrible.
When I verbally abuse, I don't just call names, I use peoples deepest insecurities against them.
I'm too violent physically if it comes to it.
:/
Most of the time I'm too nice for my own good, so hakuna matata :D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
