5/31/2010
Caro mio may or may not be be what I thought.
But I have to stick to what I feel and believe incase, I lose faith.
I once worked out that all that lying to people, friends and lovers, all that changing..
It's so you don't get hurt.
Is that not a good idea? I thought hard about it
Then, I realised thats running. Running away from people who matter, hurting them to save yourself, and some people are worth getting hurt for, or we'd never live.
I'm wondering though, who are the people worth hurting for?
Because I suppose there are the obvious, but there are also people who you one day realise do so much for you that you never saw, never noticed.
I once worked out that all that lying to people, friends and lovers, all that changing..
It's so you don't get hurt.
Is that not a good idea? I thought hard about it
Then, I realised thats running. Running away from people who matter, hurting them to save yourself, and some people are worth getting hurt for, or we'd never live.
I'm wondering though, who are the people worth hurting for?
Because I suppose there are the obvious, but there are also people who you one day realise do so much for you that you never saw, never noticed.
5/24/2010
Thinking about growing up.
I'm afraid of growing up, and I don't want to speed up the process.
But I do want to.
There are so many things that I want to do.
I don't just want to be thrown into school, then university, then get a job where i'm miserable, and die.
Where people are boxed in, stressed and controlled.
I want to do something inbetween those things! And, preferably not have a job where I'm miserable.
I talked to Patty (<3), about exploring the world and trying new things, and not having one job your whole life, and maybe not even living in the same place.
You see movies about how people do something different, they change something and BANG you have a movie. And you don't see many with the balls to actually do it IRL.
I hope, I have those balls, and I do it.
I think I'd regret not trying more than making a huge mistake.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream."
[Samuel Langhornne Clemens] (1835-1910)
But I do want to.
There are so many things that I want to do.
I don't just want to be thrown into school, then university, then get a job where i'm miserable, and die.
Where people are boxed in, stressed and controlled.
I want to do something inbetween those things! And, preferably not have a job where I'm miserable.
I talked to Patty (<3), about exploring the world and trying new things, and not having one job your whole life, and maybe not even living in the same place.
You see movies about how people do something different, they change something and BANG you have a movie. And you don't see many with the balls to actually do it IRL.
I hope, I have those balls, and I do it.
I think I'd regret not trying more than making a huge mistake.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream."
[Samuel Langhornne Clemens] (1835-1910)
5/20/2010
You know when you're so sleepy you just can't move?
Being in the sun for a long time makes me so sleepy,
When I over-exert myself I just become comatose and nap-time it off.
Sometimes it just catches you and you can't summon any will to not sleep, it's so warm, and you just let it take you in perfect contentment.
I think that's what death is like, there isn't ice and cold, just perfect bliss. And why fight back?
When I over-exert myself I just become comatose and nap-time it off.
Sometimes it just catches you and you can't summon any will to not sleep, it's so warm, and you just let it take you in perfect contentment.
I think that's what death is like, there isn't ice and cold, just perfect bliss. And why fight back?
5/14/2010
The sun behind the clouds.
Sometimes the clouds hide the beauty of the sun, and you just want to wish them away,
so that you and everyone else can see how beautiful it is.
What if, something beautiful is hiding clouds?
A girl I love, has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen, so happy and full of sunshine,
but i've just realised, it's her biggest pretend.
And what does that say?
When something that beautiful blinds you from the bad...
it's tragically beautiful, but...
there's something missing,
doesn't that just break your heart?
and it begs the question, how beautiful is that smile, when it is real? :)
so that you and everyone else can see how beautiful it is.
What if, something beautiful is hiding clouds?
A girl I love, has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen, so happy and full of sunshine,
but i've just realised, it's her biggest pretend.
And what does that say?
When something that beautiful blinds you from the bad...
it's tragically beautiful, but...
there's something missing,
doesn't that just break your heart?
and it begs the question, how beautiful is that smile, when it is real? :)
True friendship.
Paladin said.
I don't miss Axel anymore.
I said.
I do.
Would you not miss me if I were gone?
Paladin said, after a pause.
I would.
I said.
You paused. I don't believe you.
Why don't you just dieee.
Paladin said.
No, Mary I would. I love you.
And if I died? Who would you leech money off?
GOOD POINT. I don't only just want you for money, its the food, company and conversation too.
Mary, money, food, company and conversation - friendship
Oh wow. I never thought of it like that.
Its true.
Our friends are the people we let leech off of us. A parasitic symbiote.
Other friends, better friends, there is mutual leeching.
We need each other for comfort, help, food, and conversation. That's what friendship is.
I just never realised there was a posh term.
It's not all love, its mutual convenience.
But between years of convenience, we love them.
I don't miss Axel anymore.
I said.
I do.
Would you not miss me if I were gone?
Paladin said, after a pause.
I would.
I said.
You paused. I don't believe you.
Why don't you just dieee.
Paladin said.
No, Mary I would. I love you.
And if I died? Who would you leech money off?
GOOD POINT. I don't only just want you for money, its the food, company and conversation too.
Mary, money, food, company and conversation - friendship
Oh wow. I never thought of it like that.
Its true.
Our friends are the people we let leech off of us. A parasitic symbiote.
Other friends, better friends, there is mutual leeching.
We need each other for comfort, help, food, and conversation. That's what friendship is.
I just never realised there was a posh term.
It's not all love, its mutual convenience.
But between years of convenience, we love them.
In 5 years time.
So when I was little, in fact always.
People would say, what dyou want most when you're older?
'I want to be happy'
I wanted to do something I loved, regardless of money.
I wanted to be with people I loved, regardless of consequence.
But now, doesn't that count as failure?
I don't know.
Without unhappiness, in a job, or well, anything.. wouldn't we forget what unhappiness was?
And then, without unhappiness, would we not, forget what happiness is?
Truly, should we not have some of both?
People would say, what dyou want most when you're older?
'I want to be happy'
I wanted to do something I loved, regardless of money.
I wanted to be with people I loved, regardless of consequence.
But now, doesn't that count as failure?
I don't know.
Without unhappiness, in a job, or well, anything.. wouldn't we forget what unhappiness was?
And then, without unhappiness, would we not, forget what happiness is?
Truly, should we not have some of both?
The school system
it doesnt help one person to maximise their talents, and shine for who they are,
rather they make you conform, one of the rest,
they teach you things you don't enjoy, you aren't good at, and if you're not good enough - tough.
you're forced to know about things you'll forget as soon as you can, in fact a lot of things you learn in a classroom from a teacher will never be useful to you.
You're not special, you're one of 500.
You're just a source of income.
And even if you are special, they don't care.
You're still a source of income.
It is all an act.
social lessons, i grant are important, but they still force you to conform.
you have to fit in or you'll be picked on, and some people because of this, change.
why should they?
when you learn some subjects, first off they teach you facts.
you are not encouraged to question these, if you say a teacher is WRONG, they will deny it, and say you are wrong.
...but what if you aren't?
People who think individually are the ones who are going to make the new wondeful things in the future. But no one encourages individuality.
One day, they'll tell you all the facts you ever learned were wrong. Before they told you not to question it, and now, they change their mind. You have to know it all in detail, with theories, and ask questions about everything.
Exams test you for facts mainly, and technique. You just need a good memory.
If I had a school. I'd do it differently.
rather they make you conform, one of the rest,
they teach you things you don't enjoy, you aren't good at, and if you're not good enough - tough.
you're forced to know about things you'll forget as soon as you can, in fact a lot of things you learn in a classroom from a teacher will never be useful to you.
You're not special, you're one of 500.
You're just a source of income.
And even if you are special, they don't care.
You're still a source of income.
It is all an act.
social lessons, i grant are important, but they still force you to conform.
you have to fit in or you'll be picked on, and some people because of this, change.
why should they?
when you learn some subjects, first off they teach you facts.
you are not encouraged to question these, if you say a teacher is WRONG, they will deny it, and say you are wrong.
...but what if you aren't?
People who think individually are the ones who are going to make the new wondeful things in the future. But no one encourages individuality.
One day, they'll tell you all the facts you ever learned were wrong. Before they told you not to question it, and now, they change their mind. You have to know it all in detail, with theories, and ask questions about everything.
Exams test you for facts mainly, and technique. You just need a good memory.
If I had a school. I'd do it differently.
5/10/2010
5/09/2010
Trust? Y/N
Your orbs
That seem to glance aside,
And I wonder why,
Perhaps to hide,
At least I hope you can see love in my eyes.
That seem to glance aside,
And I wonder why,
Perhaps to hide,
At least I hope you can see love in my eyes.
5/06/2010
Sometimes, it is just hard.
People dislike me loving Paladin.
Since we've met, we've been friends.
We don't judge each other.
The outer world is so harsh.
He's ripped for me being a weird ugly freak, but that changes nothing.
He's always there
All my friends, they don't judge.
All of them around me save me from the world outside, which is so judgemental.
And I'll love them for it, always,
because they don't care if I'm weird, they love me for it.
My whole life I've been different, and people think I choose that,
but I don't know any other way to be,
don't they realise it's hard?
To be picked on,
A weirdo, because I can't conform
because I'm different,
because I'm not conventionally beautiful.
I'm SHY
I'm not that brave,
But I've had to be strong, to love myself anyway, and to listen, take it in, and keep on not conforming.
I wonder if I belong here,
I could go to my other home, but would I belong there?
I'd still be different,
I'm not stupid,
I'm not bold.
I'm not attention seeking.
I'm different.
Since we've met, we've been friends.
We don't judge each other.
The outer world is so harsh.
He's ripped for me being a weird ugly freak, but that changes nothing.
He's always there
All my friends, they don't judge.
All of them around me save me from the world outside, which is so judgemental.
And I'll love them for it, always,
because they don't care if I'm weird, they love me for it.
My whole life I've been different, and people think I choose that,
but I don't know any other way to be,
don't they realise it's hard?
To be picked on,
A weirdo, because I can't conform
because I'm different,
because I'm not conventionally beautiful.
I'm SHY
I'm not that brave,
But I've had to be strong, to love myself anyway, and to listen, take it in, and keep on not conforming.
I wonder if I belong here,
I could go to my other home, but would I belong there?
I'd still be different,
I'm not stupid,
I'm not bold.
I'm not attention seeking.
I'm different.
Sometimes, I.
Sometimes I just want to paint the world!
Just take out a brush and change it, it's so simple.
Nothing monumental, just the colours, cause what we see changes how we feel so easily.
I'd have blue skies in the day,
more yellow and warmth in the sun,
green and turquoise in the waters,
brighter orange and pinks in the sunset,
purple and prussian blue around the stars,
a bigger brighter moon,
and don't get me started on the flowers <3
Somewhere we realise the world isnt black and white.
There are shades of grey.
We also realise that along with the varying grey, there are BURSTS of colour,
not just in the world, but in the people.
AND I'M IN LOVE WITH IT.
Colours ftw.
Just take out a brush and change it, it's so simple.
Nothing monumental, just the colours, cause what we see changes how we feel so easily.
I'd have blue skies in the day,
more yellow and warmth in the sun,
green and turquoise in the waters,
brighter orange and pinks in the sunset,
purple and prussian blue around the stars,
a bigger brighter moon,
and don't get me started on the flowers <3
Somewhere we realise the world isnt black and white.
There are shades of grey.
We also realise that along with the varying grey, there are BURSTS of colour,
not just in the world, but in the people.
AND I'M IN LOVE WITH IT.
Colours ftw.
5/05/2010
Child workers.
Do you ever think that making children make 'jewellery' and easter eggs, and other such craft items in primary school, is CHILD LABOUR?
Me neither, I loved it.
Me neither, I loved it.
Sometimes, I.
Sometimes I like sitting on the back seat of my car 'cause it reminds me of being a little kid again.
Mummy and Daddy at the front, looking forward and shielding me - I don't have to worry about looking forwards.
I just look to my side and enjoy the view, it's beautiful outside, in the world.
If I feel sick, or I don't like what I see, I can just turn away, and close my eyes, and I feel okay.
Then, there's no one to sit in the front and take care of you.
Then you sit at the front, you take their place, and you have to look forward. Eyes on the road.
You barely have time to enjoy the view. To enjoy yourself.
But you keep going, cause you have to, and now, there are other people in the back of the car.
Now you take care of them.
I have to hope, that when it happens...
I have someone to sit next to.
Mummy and Daddy at the front, looking forward and shielding me - I don't have to worry about looking forwards.
I just look to my side and enjoy the view, it's beautiful outside, in the world.
If I feel sick, or I don't like what I see, I can just turn away, and close my eyes, and I feel okay.
Then, there's no one to sit in the front and take care of you.
Then you sit at the front, you take their place, and you have to look forward. Eyes on the road.
You barely have time to enjoy the view. To enjoy yourself.
But you keep going, cause you have to, and now, there are other people in the back of the car.
Now you take care of them.
I have to hope, that when it happens...
I have someone to sit next to.
5/04/2010
A simple blog post.
When boys open up, they're like :/
'Ugh, now I feel so feminine, and such a fagggg'
I don't know about all girls, but I love that. <3
(:
'Ugh, now I feel so feminine, and such a fagggg'
I don't know about all girls, but I love that. <3
(:
what is beauty?
when a nightingale is nothing to look at,
it is known everywhere for its beautiful song,
and does that not make it beautiful?
there is a girl, who I love,
who has a song in her heart so beautiful,
it shines through everytime I see her.
it is known everywhere for its beautiful song,
and does that not make it beautiful?
there is a girl, who I love,
who has a song in her heart so beautiful,
it shines through everytime I see her.
5/02/2010
Everything changes.
Okay I shall be sad and use a DISNEY quote from Bambi 2, cause I'm proud to love it.
Everything in the forest has its season. Where one thing falls, another grows. Maybe not what was there before, but something new and wonderful all the same.
(:
I've been in love before.
My heart has been broken,
And yet something new and wonderful always comes along,
As much as I hate letting go, I love what I have now,
I can't always look back.
Oscar Wilde says - "The people who love only once in their lives are really the shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination."
Which is perhaps more cynical than me.
Also I'm changing, everyone changes.
There are the BIG things people do that make people see them differently, and yet essentially on the inside they are the same, just hurt, or confused, or see things differently.
And then the more subtle changes, that mean more, that make you completely different. Not better or worse, just you, but, grown up? I'm not entirely sure.
So when you're around your friends, you know your place, because such a place has been so for years. You can't remember when it wasn't like this. Peoples opinions of you are formed, but you've changed since you met, since you were friends. You just don't know how to show everyone, you're afraid to show them what the real you is, because its different, it isn't what it was. What if it doesnt fit in with where you are?
The old you is in the wings, in the minds of people who know you.
They might say ' she's weird '
Well, why?
Could they say why? When they don't even know anymore.
You realise you don't talk about what matters anymore. You talk like you're pretending to be someone else, who youre meant to be. Not as you are.
You can't shake off what you are to them, unless you leave, make it new.
But I'm scared to do that.
I don't know where I belong, when I don't know if they like who I really am, now.
Everything in the forest has its season. Where one thing falls, another grows. Maybe not what was there before, but something new and wonderful all the same.
(:
I've been in love before.
My heart has been broken,
And yet something new and wonderful always comes along,
As much as I hate letting go, I love what I have now,
I can't always look back.
Oscar Wilde says - "The people who love only once in their lives are really the shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination."
Which is perhaps more cynical than me.
Also I'm changing, everyone changes.
There are the BIG things people do that make people see them differently, and yet essentially on the inside they are the same, just hurt, or confused, or see things differently.
And then the more subtle changes, that mean more, that make you completely different. Not better or worse, just you, but, grown up? I'm not entirely sure.
So when you're around your friends, you know your place, because such a place has been so for years. You can't remember when it wasn't like this. Peoples opinions of you are formed, but you've changed since you met, since you were friends. You just don't know how to show everyone, you're afraid to show them what the real you is, because its different, it isn't what it was. What if it doesnt fit in with where you are?
The old you is in the wings, in the minds of people who know you.
They might say ' she's weird '
Well, why?
Could they say why? When they don't even know anymore.
You realise you don't talk about what matters anymore. You talk like you're pretending to be someone else, who youre meant to be. Not as you are.
You can't shake off what you are to them, unless you leave, make it new.
But I'm scared to do that.
I don't know where I belong, when I don't know if they like who I really am, now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
