I find, that when I am happy I stop writing in my diary, because I'm too happy to think about anything buy myself, and what has made me happy. The same goes for blogging.
Someone asked me the other day in the common room what I would change if I could create an ideal world. I said nothing. As in, I said the word nothing, not nothing at all.
The love and happiness in my life makes me selfish, maybe it makes me a bad person.
I dedicate my whole life to finding love and happiness, and doesn't that make me selfish, and bad?
I don't care if someone is hurt at the sake of my, and my close circle of people's happiness.
But then, the world wouldn't work, if we were all happy, or all sad.
10/07/2010
8/10/2010
Sainsburys, try something new today.
"You know what I think it is? It's all about instincts. Everyone says 'trust your instincts' That's the mantra we're fed from day one. Trust your instincts. So I did. I'd see someone attractive, but my instinct was to do nothing, so I stayed in the corner. I didn't like my job, but my instinct was to stay comfortable, so I kept at it. Instincts are false messengers, they lead you astray. They're knee-jerk reactions like pulling your hand away from a hot stove. They keep you safe. What has safe gotten me? Maybe the pain is a good thing. Maybe it clears the head. Maybe the pain is a needle in your arm drawing a tattoo that can save you from your little life"
Might try it.
Might try it.
6/18/2010
6/17/2010
Old tricks.
I've never known what to do when people are angry or upset.
I can't comfort people.
I can rarely bring myself to say sorry. It feels weird, even if I know I'm wrong.
That makes me a bad friend, right?
I can't comfort people.
I can rarely bring myself to say sorry. It feels weird, even if I know I'm wrong.
That makes me a bad friend, right?
6/13/2010
We are only human.
Does it ever occur to people how magical we are?
We heal ourselves, we have amazing thoughts and do incredible things.
Life is so tangible. There are so many base pleasures around us. In what we eat or touch, and every variation of colour that cant always be captured in a picture.
I think as children cause we are still learning about them, they are still fascinating and then, you get used to it. You forget just how amazing the world can be and how simply happiness can be attained.
I forget too.
We heal ourselves, we have amazing thoughts and do incredible things.
Life is so tangible. There are so many base pleasures around us. In what we eat or touch, and every variation of colour that cant always be captured in a picture.
I think as children cause we are still learning about them, they are still fascinating and then, you get used to it. You forget just how amazing the world can be and how simply happiness can be attained.
I forget too.
6/12/2010
Drawings on the fridge.
When I was little I loved drawing animals and everyone would always compliment and say I was amazing.
I loved praise, i lived for admiration.
But Mummy always said I wasn't good enough and I needed practice.
She's never said its amazing.
I loved praise, i lived for admiration.
But Mummy always said I wasn't good enough and I needed practice.
She's never said its amazing.
6/07/2010
I loved the old you, I hate the dick you are now.
^ You see so many facebook groups like that.
When you first meet people, they rarely act their worst.
You get to know them more and you might have troubles,
Cause they're just unfolding more and more,
Into who they really are, because the real you always waits in the wings.
People aren't dickheads (mostly) or bad, they just have faults, just like you, just like me.
It means something that you're close enough to be shown them.
I think a lot of people once realising they have faults, stop loving, don't want to make it work
'Cause everyone seems to have this idea of "perfect" love.
It's never perfect, its messy, mad, and magnificent..
You have to never give up on someone, no matter what happens, you have to love every fault.
That's real love.
I think most people who join these groups are naive.
Yes, I grant there are some who change their clothes and their hairstyles, their friends, cities, continents, but I think their old self is in there, just pretending.
But I think a lot of people, just don't accept peoples flaws as gently as their own.
They don't realise, the people close to you can be harsh, but we live on.
Correct me if I'm wrong
When you first meet people, they rarely act their worst.
You get to know them more and you might have troubles,
Cause they're just unfolding more and more,
Into who they really are, because the real you always waits in the wings.
People aren't dickheads (mostly) or bad, they just have faults, just like you, just like me.
It means something that you're close enough to be shown them.
I think a lot of people once realising they have faults, stop loving, don't want to make it work
'Cause everyone seems to have this idea of "perfect" love.
It's never perfect, its messy, mad, and magnificent..
You have to never give up on someone, no matter what happens, you have to love every fault.
That's real love.
I think most people who join these groups are naive.
Yes, I grant there are some who change their clothes and their hairstyles, their friends, cities, continents, but I think their old self is in there, just pretending.
But I think a lot of people, just don't accept peoples flaws as gently as their own.
They don't realise, the people close to you can be harsh, but we live on.
Correct me if I'm wrong
5/31/2010
Caro mio may or may not be be what I thought.
But I have to stick to what I feel and believe incase, I lose faith.
I once worked out that all that lying to people, friends and lovers, all that changing..
It's so you don't get hurt.
Is that not a good idea? I thought hard about it
Then, I realised thats running. Running away from people who matter, hurting them to save yourself, and some people are worth getting hurt for, or we'd never live.
I'm wondering though, who are the people worth hurting for?
Because I suppose there are the obvious, but there are also people who you one day realise do so much for you that you never saw, never noticed.
I once worked out that all that lying to people, friends and lovers, all that changing..
It's so you don't get hurt.
Is that not a good idea? I thought hard about it
Then, I realised thats running. Running away from people who matter, hurting them to save yourself, and some people are worth getting hurt for, or we'd never live.
I'm wondering though, who are the people worth hurting for?
Because I suppose there are the obvious, but there are also people who you one day realise do so much for you that you never saw, never noticed.
5/24/2010
Thinking about growing up.
I'm afraid of growing up, and I don't want to speed up the process.
But I do want to.
There are so many things that I want to do.
I don't just want to be thrown into school, then university, then get a job where i'm miserable, and die.
Where people are boxed in, stressed and controlled.
I want to do something inbetween those things! And, preferably not have a job where I'm miserable.
I talked to Patty (<3), about exploring the world and trying new things, and not having one job your whole life, and maybe not even living in the same place.
You see movies about how people do something different, they change something and BANG you have a movie. And you don't see many with the balls to actually do it IRL.
I hope, I have those balls, and I do it.
I think I'd regret not trying more than making a huge mistake.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream."
[Samuel Langhornne Clemens] (1835-1910)
But I do want to.
There are so many things that I want to do.
I don't just want to be thrown into school, then university, then get a job where i'm miserable, and die.
Where people are boxed in, stressed and controlled.
I want to do something inbetween those things! And, preferably not have a job where I'm miserable.
I talked to Patty (<3), about exploring the world and trying new things, and not having one job your whole life, and maybe not even living in the same place.
You see movies about how people do something different, they change something and BANG you have a movie. And you don't see many with the balls to actually do it IRL.
I hope, I have those balls, and I do it.
I think I'd regret not trying more than making a huge mistake.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream."
[Samuel Langhornne Clemens] (1835-1910)
5/20/2010
You know when you're so sleepy you just can't move?
Being in the sun for a long time makes me so sleepy,
When I over-exert myself I just become comatose and nap-time it off.
Sometimes it just catches you and you can't summon any will to not sleep, it's so warm, and you just let it take you in perfect contentment.
I think that's what death is like, there isn't ice and cold, just perfect bliss. And why fight back?
When I over-exert myself I just become comatose and nap-time it off.
Sometimes it just catches you and you can't summon any will to not sleep, it's so warm, and you just let it take you in perfect contentment.
I think that's what death is like, there isn't ice and cold, just perfect bliss. And why fight back?
5/14/2010
The sun behind the clouds.
Sometimes the clouds hide the beauty of the sun, and you just want to wish them away,
so that you and everyone else can see how beautiful it is.
What if, something beautiful is hiding clouds?
A girl I love, has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen, so happy and full of sunshine,
but i've just realised, it's her biggest pretend.
And what does that say?
When something that beautiful blinds you from the bad...
it's tragically beautiful, but...
there's something missing,
doesn't that just break your heart?
and it begs the question, how beautiful is that smile, when it is real? :)
so that you and everyone else can see how beautiful it is.
What if, something beautiful is hiding clouds?
A girl I love, has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen, so happy and full of sunshine,
but i've just realised, it's her biggest pretend.
And what does that say?
When something that beautiful blinds you from the bad...
it's tragically beautiful, but...
there's something missing,
doesn't that just break your heart?
and it begs the question, how beautiful is that smile, when it is real? :)
True friendship.
Paladin said.
I don't miss Axel anymore.
I said.
I do.
Would you not miss me if I were gone?
Paladin said, after a pause.
I would.
I said.
You paused. I don't believe you.
Why don't you just dieee.
Paladin said.
No, Mary I would. I love you.
And if I died? Who would you leech money off?
GOOD POINT. I don't only just want you for money, its the food, company and conversation too.
Mary, money, food, company and conversation - friendship
Oh wow. I never thought of it like that.
Its true.
Our friends are the people we let leech off of us. A parasitic symbiote.
Other friends, better friends, there is mutual leeching.
We need each other for comfort, help, food, and conversation. That's what friendship is.
I just never realised there was a posh term.
It's not all love, its mutual convenience.
But between years of convenience, we love them.
I don't miss Axel anymore.
I said.
I do.
Would you not miss me if I were gone?
Paladin said, after a pause.
I would.
I said.
You paused. I don't believe you.
Why don't you just dieee.
Paladin said.
No, Mary I would. I love you.
And if I died? Who would you leech money off?
GOOD POINT. I don't only just want you for money, its the food, company and conversation too.
Mary, money, food, company and conversation - friendship
Oh wow. I never thought of it like that.
Its true.
Our friends are the people we let leech off of us. A parasitic symbiote.
Other friends, better friends, there is mutual leeching.
We need each other for comfort, help, food, and conversation. That's what friendship is.
I just never realised there was a posh term.
It's not all love, its mutual convenience.
But between years of convenience, we love them.
In 5 years time.
So when I was little, in fact always.
People would say, what dyou want most when you're older?
'I want to be happy'
I wanted to do something I loved, regardless of money.
I wanted to be with people I loved, regardless of consequence.
But now, doesn't that count as failure?
I don't know.
Without unhappiness, in a job, or well, anything.. wouldn't we forget what unhappiness was?
And then, without unhappiness, would we not, forget what happiness is?
Truly, should we not have some of both?
People would say, what dyou want most when you're older?
'I want to be happy'
I wanted to do something I loved, regardless of money.
I wanted to be with people I loved, regardless of consequence.
But now, doesn't that count as failure?
I don't know.
Without unhappiness, in a job, or well, anything.. wouldn't we forget what unhappiness was?
And then, without unhappiness, would we not, forget what happiness is?
Truly, should we not have some of both?
The school system
it doesnt help one person to maximise their talents, and shine for who they are,
rather they make you conform, one of the rest,
they teach you things you don't enjoy, you aren't good at, and if you're not good enough - tough.
you're forced to know about things you'll forget as soon as you can, in fact a lot of things you learn in a classroom from a teacher will never be useful to you.
You're not special, you're one of 500.
You're just a source of income.
And even if you are special, they don't care.
You're still a source of income.
It is all an act.
social lessons, i grant are important, but they still force you to conform.
you have to fit in or you'll be picked on, and some people because of this, change.
why should they?
when you learn some subjects, first off they teach you facts.
you are not encouraged to question these, if you say a teacher is WRONG, they will deny it, and say you are wrong.
...but what if you aren't?
People who think individually are the ones who are going to make the new wondeful things in the future. But no one encourages individuality.
One day, they'll tell you all the facts you ever learned were wrong. Before they told you not to question it, and now, they change their mind. You have to know it all in detail, with theories, and ask questions about everything.
Exams test you for facts mainly, and technique. You just need a good memory.
If I had a school. I'd do it differently.
rather they make you conform, one of the rest,
they teach you things you don't enjoy, you aren't good at, and if you're not good enough - tough.
you're forced to know about things you'll forget as soon as you can, in fact a lot of things you learn in a classroom from a teacher will never be useful to you.
You're not special, you're one of 500.
You're just a source of income.
And even if you are special, they don't care.
You're still a source of income.
It is all an act.
social lessons, i grant are important, but they still force you to conform.
you have to fit in or you'll be picked on, and some people because of this, change.
why should they?
when you learn some subjects, first off they teach you facts.
you are not encouraged to question these, if you say a teacher is WRONG, they will deny it, and say you are wrong.
...but what if you aren't?
People who think individually are the ones who are going to make the new wondeful things in the future. But no one encourages individuality.
One day, they'll tell you all the facts you ever learned were wrong. Before they told you not to question it, and now, they change their mind. You have to know it all in detail, with theories, and ask questions about everything.
Exams test you for facts mainly, and technique. You just need a good memory.
If I had a school. I'd do it differently.
5/10/2010
5/09/2010
Trust? Y/N
Your orbs
That seem to glance aside,
And I wonder why,
Perhaps to hide,
At least I hope you can see love in my eyes.
That seem to glance aside,
And I wonder why,
Perhaps to hide,
At least I hope you can see love in my eyes.
5/06/2010
Sometimes, it is just hard.
People dislike me loving Paladin.
Since we've met, we've been friends.
We don't judge each other.
The outer world is so harsh.
He's ripped for me being a weird ugly freak, but that changes nothing.
He's always there
All my friends, they don't judge.
All of them around me save me from the world outside, which is so judgemental.
And I'll love them for it, always,
because they don't care if I'm weird, they love me for it.
My whole life I've been different, and people think I choose that,
but I don't know any other way to be,
don't they realise it's hard?
To be picked on,
A weirdo, because I can't conform
because I'm different,
because I'm not conventionally beautiful.
I'm SHY
I'm not that brave,
But I've had to be strong, to love myself anyway, and to listen, take it in, and keep on not conforming.
I wonder if I belong here,
I could go to my other home, but would I belong there?
I'd still be different,
I'm not stupid,
I'm not bold.
I'm not attention seeking.
I'm different.
Since we've met, we've been friends.
We don't judge each other.
The outer world is so harsh.
He's ripped for me being a weird ugly freak, but that changes nothing.
He's always there
All my friends, they don't judge.
All of them around me save me from the world outside, which is so judgemental.
And I'll love them for it, always,
because they don't care if I'm weird, they love me for it.
My whole life I've been different, and people think I choose that,
but I don't know any other way to be,
don't they realise it's hard?
To be picked on,
A weirdo, because I can't conform
because I'm different,
because I'm not conventionally beautiful.
I'm SHY
I'm not that brave,
But I've had to be strong, to love myself anyway, and to listen, take it in, and keep on not conforming.
I wonder if I belong here,
I could go to my other home, but would I belong there?
I'd still be different,
I'm not stupid,
I'm not bold.
I'm not attention seeking.
I'm different.
Sometimes, I.
Sometimes I just want to paint the world!
Just take out a brush and change it, it's so simple.
Nothing monumental, just the colours, cause what we see changes how we feel so easily.
I'd have blue skies in the day,
more yellow and warmth in the sun,
green and turquoise in the waters,
brighter orange and pinks in the sunset,
purple and prussian blue around the stars,
a bigger brighter moon,
and don't get me started on the flowers <3
Somewhere we realise the world isnt black and white.
There are shades of grey.
We also realise that along with the varying grey, there are BURSTS of colour,
not just in the world, but in the people.
AND I'M IN LOVE WITH IT.
Colours ftw.
Just take out a brush and change it, it's so simple.
Nothing monumental, just the colours, cause what we see changes how we feel so easily.
I'd have blue skies in the day,
more yellow and warmth in the sun,
green and turquoise in the waters,
brighter orange and pinks in the sunset,
purple and prussian blue around the stars,
a bigger brighter moon,
and don't get me started on the flowers <3
Somewhere we realise the world isnt black and white.
There are shades of grey.
We also realise that along with the varying grey, there are BURSTS of colour,
not just in the world, but in the people.
AND I'M IN LOVE WITH IT.
Colours ftw.
5/05/2010
Child workers.
Do you ever think that making children make 'jewellery' and easter eggs, and other such craft items in primary school, is CHILD LABOUR?
Me neither, I loved it.
Me neither, I loved it.
Sometimes, I.
Sometimes I like sitting on the back seat of my car 'cause it reminds me of being a little kid again.
Mummy and Daddy at the front, looking forward and shielding me - I don't have to worry about looking forwards.
I just look to my side and enjoy the view, it's beautiful outside, in the world.
If I feel sick, or I don't like what I see, I can just turn away, and close my eyes, and I feel okay.
Then, there's no one to sit in the front and take care of you.
Then you sit at the front, you take their place, and you have to look forward. Eyes on the road.
You barely have time to enjoy the view. To enjoy yourself.
But you keep going, cause you have to, and now, there are other people in the back of the car.
Now you take care of them.
I have to hope, that when it happens...
I have someone to sit next to.
Mummy and Daddy at the front, looking forward and shielding me - I don't have to worry about looking forwards.
I just look to my side and enjoy the view, it's beautiful outside, in the world.
If I feel sick, or I don't like what I see, I can just turn away, and close my eyes, and I feel okay.
Then, there's no one to sit in the front and take care of you.
Then you sit at the front, you take their place, and you have to look forward. Eyes on the road.
You barely have time to enjoy the view. To enjoy yourself.
But you keep going, cause you have to, and now, there are other people in the back of the car.
Now you take care of them.
I have to hope, that when it happens...
I have someone to sit next to.
5/04/2010
A simple blog post.
When boys open up, they're like :/
'Ugh, now I feel so feminine, and such a fagggg'
I don't know about all girls, but I love that. <3
(:
'Ugh, now I feel so feminine, and such a fagggg'
I don't know about all girls, but I love that. <3
(:
what is beauty?
when a nightingale is nothing to look at,
it is known everywhere for its beautiful song,
and does that not make it beautiful?
there is a girl, who I love,
who has a song in her heart so beautiful,
it shines through everytime I see her.
it is known everywhere for its beautiful song,
and does that not make it beautiful?
there is a girl, who I love,
who has a song in her heart so beautiful,
it shines through everytime I see her.
5/02/2010
Everything changes.
Okay I shall be sad and use a DISNEY quote from Bambi 2, cause I'm proud to love it.
Everything in the forest has its season. Where one thing falls, another grows. Maybe not what was there before, but something new and wonderful all the same.
(:
I've been in love before.
My heart has been broken,
And yet something new and wonderful always comes along,
As much as I hate letting go, I love what I have now,
I can't always look back.
Oscar Wilde says - "The people who love only once in their lives are really the shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination."
Which is perhaps more cynical than me.
Also I'm changing, everyone changes.
There are the BIG things people do that make people see them differently, and yet essentially on the inside they are the same, just hurt, or confused, or see things differently.
And then the more subtle changes, that mean more, that make you completely different. Not better or worse, just you, but, grown up? I'm not entirely sure.
So when you're around your friends, you know your place, because such a place has been so for years. You can't remember when it wasn't like this. Peoples opinions of you are formed, but you've changed since you met, since you were friends. You just don't know how to show everyone, you're afraid to show them what the real you is, because its different, it isn't what it was. What if it doesnt fit in with where you are?
The old you is in the wings, in the minds of people who know you.
They might say ' she's weird '
Well, why?
Could they say why? When they don't even know anymore.
You realise you don't talk about what matters anymore. You talk like you're pretending to be someone else, who youre meant to be. Not as you are.
You can't shake off what you are to them, unless you leave, make it new.
But I'm scared to do that.
I don't know where I belong, when I don't know if they like who I really am, now.
Everything in the forest has its season. Where one thing falls, another grows. Maybe not what was there before, but something new and wonderful all the same.
(:
I've been in love before.
My heart has been broken,
And yet something new and wonderful always comes along,
As much as I hate letting go, I love what I have now,
I can't always look back.
Oscar Wilde says - "The people who love only once in their lives are really the shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination."
Which is perhaps more cynical than me.
Also I'm changing, everyone changes.
There are the BIG things people do that make people see them differently, and yet essentially on the inside they are the same, just hurt, or confused, or see things differently.
And then the more subtle changes, that mean more, that make you completely different. Not better or worse, just you, but, grown up? I'm not entirely sure.
So when you're around your friends, you know your place, because such a place has been so for years. You can't remember when it wasn't like this. Peoples opinions of you are formed, but you've changed since you met, since you were friends. You just don't know how to show everyone, you're afraid to show them what the real you is, because its different, it isn't what it was. What if it doesnt fit in with where you are?
The old you is in the wings, in the minds of people who know you.
They might say ' she's weird '
Well, why?
Could they say why? When they don't even know anymore.
You realise you don't talk about what matters anymore. You talk like you're pretending to be someone else, who youre meant to be. Not as you are.
You can't shake off what you are to them, unless you leave, make it new.
But I'm scared to do that.
I don't know where I belong, when I don't know if they like who I really am, now.
4/30/2010
That shizz I wear on my wrists.
I always got a ganja necklace.
Always.
I give them to people I love.
My wrists always have something,
at least one bracelet.
I give them to people I love.
These sentimental objects, I wear them and they're a part off me,
they remind me of people who matter, and the places I belong.
taking them off and giving them away, is like a part of my soul I just hand out.
I'm not always in Thailand, but its my home too. I get all these bracelets from there, so I never forget where I'm from, so I remember.
My colour phases come and go, but you can tell my current colour schemes from my wrists.
I always wore my Daddy's watch, cause he's the most important male in my life.
Until I wore one I got with Derell, so we matched.
I don't think people realise what it means.
If you pass them onto someone else, or don't wear them, I'll resent you, deep down.
Cause you disregard my heart.
Always.
I give them to people I love.
My wrists always have something,
at least one bracelet.
I give them to people I love.
These sentimental objects, I wear them and they're a part off me,
they remind me of people who matter, and the places I belong.
taking them off and giving them away, is like a part of my soul I just hand out.
I'm not always in Thailand, but its my home too. I get all these bracelets from there, so I never forget where I'm from, so I remember.
My colour phases come and go, but you can tell my current colour schemes from my wrists.
I always wore my Daddy's watch, cause he's the most important male in my life.
Until I wore one I got with Derell, so we matched.
I don't think people realise what it means.
If you pass them onto someone else, or don't wear them, I'll resent you, deep down.
Cause you disregard my heart.
4/29/2010
Sometimes, I.
Sometimes I have suspicions.
And then I think, I want to know.
But then I realise, if I knew, I wouldnt understand, I'd be confused and scared, and a multitude of things,
Then I'd think, I never wanted to know.
Ignorance is bliss.
People do lots of things and don't have nice thoughts all the time.
If we were always honest, life would be too simple, I don't want that.
I don't like lying or pretending, but maybe it's for the best, to an extent.
If we knew, it wouldnt be fun when we found out.
And I know I do things that people wouldnt like or understand, and they don't want to know,
and if they knew all of me, completely exposed, it might be the deepest intimacy, but what if you got hurt?
Just, humbug.
And then I think, I want to know.
But then I realise, if I knew, I wouldnt understand, I'd be confused and scared, and a multitude of things,
Then I'd think, I never wanted to know.
Ignorance is bliss.
People do lots of things and don't have nice thoughts all the time.
If we were always honest, life would be too simple, I don't want that.
I don't like lying or pretending, but maybe it's for the best, to an extent.
If we knew, it wouldnt be fun when we found out.
And I know I do things that people wouldnt like or understand, and they don't want to know,
and if they knew all of me, completely exposed, it might be the deepest intimacy, but what if you got hurt?
Just, humbug.
4/24/2010
I'm growing up too fast!
On the last summer I have with my friends, I wanna throw my shoes into a tree (:
love or money?
does it matter?
both bring pleasure, and both bring about a sense of loss when you lose them. if you've never had either, you might envy those who have it, or never worry about it.
it just depends on which brings you more pleasure.
I'll always say love
both bring pleasure, and both bring about a sense of loss when you lose them. if you've never had either, you might envy those who have it, or never worry about it.
it just depends on which brings you more pleasure.
I'll always say love
4/21/2010
Scents
Paladin said black people don't smell noice.
But I think he's wrong, they smell of baking earth and sunshine, as the base, then theres their signature scent (:
White people usually smell of wind.
Thai people smell of steamed rice and warm rain.
But the base smell varies, and everyone always has particular pheromones and I like people who appeal to my nostrils, not in the way that people smell, but some smell just really nice. Noice.
Mufasa smells of cocoa, and skin, and baking earth, and sunshine, and something sweet... maybe sugar cane
Axel used to smell of vanilla, and wind, and sometimes water, and chlorine.
Giacomo smells of blood, and everything primal.
Lala smells of flowers, and soft fabrics, and washed hair <3
Pyra, of the coast, and fresh grassy air, and cold winds. (:
Paladin of hair, flowers and sulphur and heat.
There are too many to list, but I remember them all by power of nostrils.
But I think he's wrong, they smell of baking earth and sunshine, as the base, then theres their signature scent (:
White people usually smell of wind.
Thai people smell of steamed rice and warm rain.
But the base smell varies, and everyone always has particular pheromones and I like people who appeal to my nostrils, not in the way that people smell, but some smell just really nice. Noice.
Mufasa smells of cocoa, and skin, and baking earth, and sunshine, and something sweet... maybe sugar cane
Axel used to smell of vanilla, and wind, and sometimes water, and chlorine.
Giacomo smells of blood, and everything primal.
Lala smells of flowers, and soft fabrics, and washed hair <3
Pyra, of the coast, and fresh grassy air, and cold winds. (:
Paladin of hair, flowers and sulphur and heat.
There are too many to list, but I remember them all by power of nostrils.
popop.
all of your dirty flirty faces,
and your lack of social graces,
and all the strawberry laces
that we eat, at all the places that we go.
all the dark marks round your eyes,
and the way you stroke my thighs?
the emotions you disguise
I was so surprised when you said, that you loved me.
I first thought you were gay,
and you said its cliche,
but you think of me everyday,
now I need you to stay, by my side.
and your lack of social graces,
and all the strawberry laces
that we eat, at all the places that we go.
all the dark marks round your eyes,
and the way you stroke my thighs?
the emotions you disguise
I was so surprised when you said, that you loved me.
I first thought you were gay,
and you said its cliche,
but you think of me everyday,
now I need you to stay, by my side.
4/18/2010
10 things
This is "for bloggers who put their heart on display as they write from the depths of their soul." You write 10 honest things about yourself that are not common knowledge and then you pass it on to 6 fellow bloggers that touch your heart by the honesty and sincerity they give with each post.
It's almost hard to think of something that people don't already know from me telling them, or have guessed.
1. At times you may think I'm a kind person, that I can see the good in people. That I believe in love and optimism. And yet at other times, I can be so callous and uncaring, and I'm so goddamn selfish, and manipulative and use people. I wonder, if it's the primal beast in me that makes me this way, or if its just a sliver of darkness. What's more, I enjoy it.
2. Um, I'm in love and it's forever. Like true love.
3. It does hurt me when people say I'm a slut and an attention whore, that I'm ugly, podgy, and useless, a failure, and such. I love myself all the same, but it does cause me to question who I am at times, if I should love myself.
4. Yeah, I'm kind of bisexual, I like to do stuff. I haven't gone out with a girl though, and why? Because I don't think I could fall in love with one, in fact I'd probably end up abusing them, and using them.
5. I'm not half as brave or strong as I make out to be. I don't want to have to rely on others but I do. My parents don't think I'm anything special, so I absorb admiration from other people, if I lost that, perhaps I'd stop seeing it in myself. Which scares me. Also, everyone breaks my heart. I probably push them away, but regardless, they promise forever but it never happens, so I don't believe anyones promises anymore, I want to.
6. You'd be surprised. I actually care for so few people, I'm fickle. I wouldn't care if a lot if people died, I wouldn't like it, but meh....
7. Everytime I say something serious to you, and you think I'm joking, I'm probably double bluffing.
8. I like cooking. And sex. I'd be an amazing wife.
9. Ummmm... Any suspicions you have .. probably correct. PROBABLY.
10. I take it out on people when I'm upset/feel rage. I'm egoistical and selfish. Cruel etc.
Bah those are rubbish, 'cause I tell most people them anyways.
It's almost hard to think of something that people don't already know from me telling them, or have guessed.
1. At times you may think I'm a kind person, that I can see the good in people. That I believe in love and optimism. And yet at other times, I can be so callous and uncaring, and I'm so goddamn selfish, and manipulative and use people. I wonder, if it's the primal beast in me that makes me this way, or if its just a sliver of darkness. What's more, I enjoy it.
2. Um, I'm in love and it's forever. Like true love.
3. It does hurt me when people say I'm a slut and an attention whore, that I'm ugly, podgy, and useless, a failure, and such. I love myself all the same, but it does cause me to question who I am at times, if I should love myself.
4. Yeah, I'm kind of bisexual, I like to do stuff. I haven't gone out with a girl though, and why? Because I don't think I could fall in love with one, in fact I'd probably end up abusing them, and using them.
5. I'm not half as brave or strong as I make out to be. I don't want to have to rely on others but I do. My parents don't think I'm anything special, so I absorb admiration from other people, if I lost that, perhaps I'd stop seeing it in myself. Which scares me. Also, everyone breaks my heart. I probably push them away, but regardless, they promise forever but it never happens, so I don't believe anyones promises anymore, I want to.
6. You'd be surprised. I actually care for so few people, I'm fickle. I wouldn't care if a lot if people died, I wouldn't like it, but meh....
7. Everytime I say something serious to you, and you think I'm joking, I'm probably double bluffing.
8. I like cooking. And sex. I'd be an amazing wife.
9. Ummmm... Any suspicions you have .. probably correct. PROBABLY.
10. I take it out on people when I'm upset/feel rage. I'm egoistical and selfish. Cruel etc.
Bah those are rubbish, 'cause I tell most people them anyways.
4/17/2010
The nightingales curse.
'She said that she would dance with me if I brought her red roses,' cried the young Student; 'but in all my garden there is no red rose.'
From her nest in the holm-oak tree the Nightingale heard him, and she looked out through the leaves, and wondered.
'No red rose in all my garden!' he cried, and his beautiful eyes filled with tears. 'Ah, on what little things does happiness depend! I have read all that the wise men have written, and all the secrets of philosophy are mine, yet for want of a red rose is my life made wretched.'
'Here at last is a true lover,' said the Nightingale. 'Night after night have I sung of him, though I knew him not: night after night have I told his story to the stars, and now I see him. His hair is dark as the hyacinth-blossom, and his lips are red as the rose of his desire; but passion has made his lace like pale Ivory, and sorrow has set her seal upon his brow.'
'The Prince gives a ball to-morrow night,' murmured the young Student, 'and my love will be of the company. If I bring her a red rose she will dance with me till dawn. If I bring her a red rose, I shall hold her in my arms, and she will lean her head upon my shoulder, and her hand will be clasped in mine. But there is no red rose in my garden, so I shall sit lonely, and she will pass me by. She will have no heed of me, and my heart will break.'
'Here indeed is the true lover,' said the Nightingale. 'What I sing of he suffers: what is joy to me, to him is pain. Surely Love is a wonderful thing. It is more precious than emeralds, and dearer than fine opals. Pearls and pomegranates cannot buy it, nor is it set forth in the market-place. it may not be purchased of the merchants, 'or can it be weighed out in the balance for gold.'
'The musicians will sit in their gallery,' said the young Student, 'and play upon their stringed instruments, and my love will dance to the sound of the harp and the violin. She will dance so lightly that her feet will not touch the floor, and the courtiers in their gay dresses will throng round her. But with me she will not dance, for I have no red rose to give her;' and he flung himself down on the grass, and buried his face in his hands, and wept.
'Why is he weeping?' asked a little Green Lizard, as he ran past him with his tail in the air.
'Why, indeed?' said a Butterfly, who was fluttering about after a sunbeam.
'Why, indeed?' whispered a Daisy to his neighbour, in a soft, low voice.
'He is weeping for a red rose,' said the Nightingale.
'For a red rose!' they cried; 'how very ridiculous!' and the little Lizard, who was something of a cynic, laughed outright.
But the Nightingale understood the secret of the Student's sorrow, and she sat silent in the oak-tree, and thought about the mystery of Love.
Suddenly she spread her brown wings for flight, and soared into the air. She passed through the grove like a shadow, and like a shadow she sailed across the garden.
In the centre of the grass-plot was standing a beautiful Rose-tree, and when she saw it, she flew over to it, and lit upon a spray.
'Give me a red rose,' she cried, 'and I will sing you my sweetest song.'
But the Tree shook its head.
'My roses are white,' it answered; 'as white as the foam of the sea, and whiter than the snow upon the mountain. But go to my brother who grows round the old sun-dial, and perhaps he will give you what you want.'
So the Nightingale flew over to the Rose-tree that was growing round the old sun-dial.
'Give me a red rose,' she cried, 'and I will sing you my sweetest song.'
But the Tree shook its head.
'My roses are yellow,' it answered; 'as yellow as the hair of the mermaiden who sits upon an amber throne, and yellower than the daffodil that blooms in the meadow before the mower comes with his scythe. But go to my brother who grows beneath the Student's window, and perhaps he will give you what you want.'
So the Nightingale flew over to the Rose-tree that was growing beneath the Student's window.
'Give me a red rose,' she cried, 'and I will sing you my sweetest song.'
But the Tree shook its head.
'My roses are red,' it answered, 'as red as the feet of the dove, and redder than the great fans of coral that wave and wave in the ocean-cavern. But the winter has chilled my veins, and the frost has nipped my buds, and the storm has broken my branches, and I shall have no roses at all this year.'
'One red rose is all I want,' cried the Nightingale, 'only one red rose! Is there no way by which I can get it?'
'There is a way,' answered the Tree; 'but it is so terrible that I dare not tell it to you.'
'Tell it to me,' said the Nightingale, 'I am not afraid.'
'If you want a red rose,' said the Tree, 'you must build it out of music by moonlight, and stain it with your own heart's-blood. You must sing to me with your breast against a thorn. All night long you must sing to me, and the thorn must pierce your heart, and your life-blood must flow into my veins, and become mine.'
'Death is a great price to pay for a red rose,' cried the Nightingale, 'and Life is very dear to all. It is pleasant to sit in the green wood, and to watch the Sun in his chariot of gold, and the Moon in her chariot of pearl. Sweet is the scent of the hawthorn, and sweet are the bluebells that hide in the valley, and the heather that blows on the hill. Yet Love is better than Life, and what is the heart of a bird compared to the heart of a man?'
So she spread her brown wings for flight, and soared into the air. She swept over the garden like a shadow, and like a shadow she sailed through the grove.
The young Student was still lying on the grass, where she had left him, and the tears were not yet dry in his beautiful eyes.
'Be happy,' cried the Nightingale, 'be happy; you shall have your red rose. I will build it out of music by moonlight, and stain it with my own heart's-blood. All that I ask of you in return is that you will be a true lover, for Love is wiser than Philosophy, though she is wise, and mightier than Power, though he is mighty. Flame-coloured are his wings, and coloured like flame is his body. His lips are sweet as honey, and his breath is like frankincense.'
The Student looked up from the grass, and listened, but he could not understand what the Nightingale was saying to him, for he only knew the things that are written down in books.
But the Oak-tree understood, and felt sad, for he was very fond of the little Nightingale who had built her nest in his branches.
'Sing me one last song,' he whispered; 'I shall feel very lonely when you are gone.'
So the Nightingale sang to the Oak-tree, and her voice was like water bubbling from a silver jar.
When she had finished her song the Student got lip, and pulled a note-book and a lead-pencil out of his pocket.
'She has form,' he said to himself, as he walked away through the grove - 'that cannot be denied to her; but has she got feeling? I am afraid not. In fact, she is like most artists; she is all style, without any sincerity. She would not sacrifice herself for others. She thinks merely of music, and everybody knows that the arts are selfish. Still, it must be admitted that she has some beautiful notes in her voice. What a pity it is that they do not mean anything, or do any practical good.' And he went into his room, and lay down on his little pallet-bed, and began to think of his love; and, after a time, he fell asleep.
And when the Moon shone in the heavens the Nightingale flew to the Rose-tree, and set her breast against the thorn. All night long she sang with her breast against the thorn, and the cold crystal Moon leaned down and listened. All night long she sang, and the thorn went deeper and deeper into her breast, and her life-blood ebbed away from her.
She sang first of the birth of love in the heart of a boy and a girl. And on the topmost spray of the Rose-tree there blossomed a marvellous rose, petal following petal, as song followed song. Yale was it, at first, as the mist that hangs over the river - pale as the feet of the morning, and silver as the wings of the dawn. As the shadow of a rose in a mirror of silver, as the shadow of a rose in a water-pool, so was the rose that blossomed on the topmost spray of the Tree.
But the Tree cried to the Nightingale to press closer against the thorn. 'Press closer, little Nightingale,' cried the Tree, 'or the Day will come before the rose is finished.'
So the Nightingale pressed closer against the thorn, and louder and louder grew her song, for she sang of the birth of passion in the soul of a man and a maid.
And a delicate flush of pink came into the leaves of the rose, like the flush in the face of the bridegroom when he kisses the lips of the bride. But the thorn had not yet reached her heart, so the rose's heart remained white, for only a Nightingale's heart's-blood can crimson the heart of a rose.
And the Tree cried to the Nightingale to press closer against the thorn. 'Press closer, little Nightingale,' cried the Tree, 'or the Day will come before the rose is finished.'
So the Nightingale pressed closer against the thorn, and the thorn touched her heart, and a fierce pang of pain shot through her. Bitter, bitter was the pain, and wilder and wilder grew her song, for she sang of the Love that is perfected by Death, of the Love that dies not in the tomb.
And the marvellous rose became crimson, like the rose of the eastern sky. Crimson was the girdle of petals, and crimson as a ruby was the heart.
But the Nightingale's voice grew fainter, and her little wings began to beat, and a film came over her eyes. Fainter and fainter grew her song, and she felt something choking her in her throat.
Then she gave one last burst of music. The white Moon heard it, and she forgot the dawn, and lingered on in the sky. The red rose heard it, and it trembled all over with ecstasy, and opened its petals to the cold morning air. Echo bore it to her purple cavern in the hills, and woke the sleeping shepherds from their dreams. It floated through the reeds of the river, and they carried its message to the sea.
'Look, look!' cried the Tree, 'the rose is finished now;' but the Nightingale made no answer, for she was lying dead in the long grass, with the thorn in her heart.
And at noon the Student opened his window and looked out.
'Why, what a wonderful piece of luck! he cried; 'here is a red rose! I have never seen any rose like it in all my life. It is so beautiful that I am sure it has a long Latin name;' and he leaned down and plucked it.
Then he put on his hat, and ran up to the Professor's house with the rose in his hand.
The daughter of the Professor was sitting in the doorway winding blue silk on a reel, and her little dog was lying at her feet.
'You said that you would dance with me if I brought you a red rose,' cried the Student. Here is the reddest rose in all the world. You will wear it to-night next your heart, and as we dance together it will tell you how I love you.'
But the girl frowned.
'I am afraid it will not go with my dress,' she answered; 'and, besides, the Chamberlain's nephew has sent me some real jewels, and everybody knows that jewels cost far more than flowers.'
'Well, upon my word, you are very ungrateful,' said the Student angrily; and he threw the rose into the street, where it fell into the gutter, and a cart-wheel went over it.
'Ungrateful!' said the girl. 'I tell you what, you are very rude; and, after all, who are you? Only a Student. Why, I don't believe you have even got silver buckles to your shoes as the Chamberlain's nephew has;' and she got up from her chair and went into the house.
'What a silly thing Love is,' said the Student as he walked away. 'It is not half as useful as Logic, for it does not prove anything, and it is always telling one of things that are not going to happen, and making one believe things that are not true. In fact, it is quite unpractical, and, as in this age to be practical is everything, I shall go back to Philosophy and study Metaphysics.'
So he returned to his room and pulled out a great dusty book, and began to read.
The nightingale inspired me to love with all my heart. Fidelis ad mortem.
To be a true lover. And it does feel as though we are in a world with few true lovers, where so many would throw down their roses, for worthless things. Like jewels.
From her nest in the holm-oak tree the Nightingale heard him, and she looked out through the leaves, and wondered.
'No red rose in all my garden!' he cried, and his beautiful eyes filled with tears. 'Ah, on what little things does happiness depend! I have read all that the wise men have written, and all the secrets of philosophy are mine, yet for want of a red rose is my life made wretched.'
'Here at last is a true lover,' said the Nightingale. 'Night after night have I sung of him, though I knew him not: night after night have I told his story to the stars, and now I see him. His hair is dark as the hyacinth-blossom, and his lips are red as the rose of his desire; but passion has made his lace like pale Ivory, and sorrow has set her seal upon his brow.'
'The Prince gives a ball to-morrow night,' murmured the young Student, 'and my love will be of the company. If I bring her a red rose she will dance with me till dawn. If I bring her a red rose, I shall hold her in my arms, and she will lean her head upon my shoulder, and her hand will be clasped in mine. But there is no red rose in my garden, so I shall sit lonely, and she will pass me by. She will have no heed of me, and my heart will break.'
'Here indeed is the true lover,' said the Nightingale. 'What I sing of he suffers: what is joy to me, to him is pain. Surely Love is a wonderful thing. It is more precious than emeralds, and dearer than fine opals. Pearls and pomegranates cannot buy it, nor is it set forth in the market-place. it may not be purchased of the merchants, 'or can it be weighed out in the balance for gold.'
'The musicians will sit in their gallery,' said the young Student, 'and play upon their stringed instruments, and my love will dance to the sound of the harp and the violin. She will dance so lightly that her feet will not touch the floor, and the courtiers in their gay dresses will throng round her. But with me she will not dance, for I have no red rose to give her;' and he flung himself down on the grass, and buried his face in his hands, and wept.
'Why is he weeping?' asked a little Green Lizard, as he ran past him with his tail in the air.
'Why, indeed?' said a Butterfly, who was fluttering about after a sunbeam.
'Why, indeed?' whispered a Daisy to his neighbour, in a soft, low voice.
'He is weeping for a red rose,' said the Nightingale.
'For a red rose!' they cried; 'how very ridiculous!' and the little Lizard, who was something of a cynic, laughed outright.
But the Nightingale understood the secret of the Student's sorrow, and she sat silent in the oak-tree, and thought about the mystery of Love.
Suddenly she spread her brown wings for flight, and soared into the air. She passed through the grove like a shadow, and like a shadow she sailed across the garden.
In the centre of the grass-plot was standing a beautiful Rose-tree, and when she saw it, she flew over to it, and lit upon a spray.
'Give me a red rose,' she cried, 'and I will sing you my sweetest song.'
But the Tree shook its head.
'My roses are white,' it answered; 'as white as the foam of the sea, and whiter than the snow upon the mountain. But go to my brother who grows round the old sun-dial, and perhaps he will give you what you want.'
So the Nightingale flew over to the Rose-tree that was growing round the old sun-dial.
'Give me a red rose,' she cried, 'and I will sing you my sweetest song.'
But the Tree shook its head.
'My roses are yellow,' it answered; 'as yellow as the hair of the mermaiden who sits upon an amber throne, and yellower than the daffodil that blooms in the meadow before the mower comes with his scythe. But go to my brother who grows beneath the Student's window, and perhaps he will give you what you want.'
So the Nightingale flew over to the Rose-tree that was growing beneath the Student's window.
'Give me a red rose,' she cried, 'and I will sing you my sweetest song.'
But the Tree shook its head.
'My roses are red,' it answered, 'as red as the feet of the dove, and redder than the great fans of coral that wave and wave in the ocean-cavern. But the winter has chilled my veins, and the frost has nipped my buds, and the storm has broken my branches, and I shall have no roses at all this year.'
'One red rose is all I want,' cried the Nightingale, 'only one red rose! Is there no way by which I can get it?'
'There is a way,' answered the Tree; 'but it is so terrible that I dare not tell it to you.'
'Tell it to me,' said the Nightingale, 'I am not afraid.'
'If you want a red rose,' said the Tree, 'you must build it out of music by moonlight, and stain it with your own heart's-blood. You must sing to me with your breast against a thorn. All night long you must sing to me, and the thorn must pierce your heart, and your life-blood must flow into my veins, and become mine.'
'Death is a great price to pay for a red rose,' cried the Nightingale, 'and Life is very dear to all. It is pleasant to sit in the green wood, and to watch the Sun in his chariot of gold, and the Moon in her chariot of pearl. Sweet is the scent of the hawthorn, and sweet are the bluebells that hide in the valley, and the heather that blows on the hill. Yet Love is better than Life, and what is the heart of a bird compared to the heart of a man?'
So she spread her brown wings for flight, and soared into the air. She swept over the garden like a shadow, and like a shadow she sailed through the grove.
The young Student was still lying on the grass, where she had left him, and the tears were not yet dry in his beautiful eyes.
'Be happy,' cried the Nightingale, 'be happy; you shall have your red rose. I will build it out of music by moonlight, and stain it with my own heart's-blood. All that I ask of you in return is that you will be a true lover, for Love is wiser than Philosophy, though she is wise, and mightier than Power, though he is mighty. Flame-coloured are his wings, and coloured like flame is his body. His lips are sweet as honey, and his breath is like frankincense.'
The Student looked up from the grass, and listened, but he could not understand what the Nightingale was saying to him, for he only knew the things that are written down in books.
But the Oak-tree understood, and felt sad, for he was very fond of the little Nightingale who had built her nest in his branches.
'Sing me one last song,' he whispered; 'I shall feel very lonely when you are gone.'
So the Nightingale sang to the Oak-tree, and her voice was like water bubbling from a silver jar.
When she had finished her song the Student got lip, and pulled a note-book and a lead-pencil out of his pocket.
'She has form,' he said to himself, as he walked away through the grove - 'that cannot be denied to her; but has she got feeling? I am afraid not. In fact, she is like most artists; she is all style, without any sincerity. She would not sacrifice herself for others. She thinks merely of music, and everybody knows that the arts are selfish. Still, it must be admitted that she has some beautiful notes in her voice. What a pity it is that they do not mean anything, or do any practical good.' And he went into his room, and lay down on his little pallet-bed, and began to think of his love; and, after a time, he fell asleep.
And when the Moon shone in the heavens the Nightingale flew to the Rose-tree, and set her breast against the thorn. All night long she sang with her breast against the thorn, and the cold crystal Moon leaned down and listened. All night long she sang, and the thorn went deeper and deeper into her breast, and her life-blood ebbed away from her.
She sang first of the birth of love in the heart of a boy and a girl. And on the topmost spray of the Rose-tree there blossomed a marvellous rose, petal following petal, as song followed song. Yale was it, at first, as the mist that hangs over the river - pale as the feet of the morning, and silver as the wings of the dawn. As the shadow of a rose in a mirror of silver, as the shadow of a rose in a water-pool, so was the rose that blossomed on the topmost spray of the Tree.
But the Tree cried to the Nightingale to press closer against the thorn. 'Press closer, little Nightingale,' cried the Tree, 'or the Day will come before the rose is finished.'
So the Nightingale pressed closer against the thorn, and louder and louder grew her song, for she sang of the birth of passion in the soul of a man and a maid.
And a delicate flush of pink came into the leaves of the rose, like the flush in the face of the bridegroom when he kisses the lips of the bride. But the thorn had not yet reached her heart, so the rose's heart remained white, for only a Nightingale's heart's-blood can crimson the heart of a rose.
And the Tree cried to the Nightingale to press closer against the thorn. 'Press closer, little Nightingale,' cried the Tree, 'or the Day will come before the rose is finished.'
So the Nightingale pressed closer against the thorn, and the thorn touched her heart, and a fierce pang of pain shot through her. Bitter, bitter was the pain, and wilder and wilder grew her song, for she sang of the Love that is perfected by Death, of the Love that dies not in the tomb.
And the marvellous rose became crimson, like the rose of the eastern sky. Crimson was the girdle of petals, and crimson as a ruby was the heart.
But the Nightingale's voice grew fainter, and her little wings began to beat, and a film came over her eyes. Fainter and fainter grew her song, and she felt something choking her in her throat.
Then she gave one last burst of music. The white Moon heard it, and she forgot the dawn, and lingered on in the sky. The red rose heard it, and it trembled all over with ecstasy, and opened its petals to the cold morning air. Echo bore it to her purple cavern in the hills, and woke the sleeping shepherds from their dreams. It floated through the reeds of the river, and they carried its message to the sea.
'Look, look!' cried the Tree, 'the rose is finished now;' but the Nightingale made no answer, for she was lying dead in the long grass, with the thorn in her heart.
And at noon the Student opened his window and looked out.
'Why, what a wonderful piece of luck! he cried; 'here is a red rose! I have never seen any rose like it in all my life. It is so beautiful that I am sure it has a long Latin name;' and he leaned down and plucked it.
Then he put on his hat, and ran up to the Professor's house with the rose in his hand.
The daughter of the Professor was sitting in the doorway winding blue silk on a reel, and her little dog was lying at her feet.
'You said that you would dance with me if I brought you a red rose,' cried the Student. Here is the reddest rose in all the world. You will wear it to-night next your heart, and as we dance together it will tell you how I love you.'
But the girl frowned.
'I am afraid it will not go with my dress,' she answered; 'and, besides, the Chamberlain's nephew has sent me some real jewels, and everybody knows that jewels cost far more than flowers.'
'Well, upon my word, you are very ungrateful,' said the Student angrily; and he threw the rose into the street, where it fell into the gutter, and a cart-wheel went over it.
'Ungrateful!' said the girl. 'I tell you what, you are very rude; and, after all, who are you? Only a Student. Why, I don't believe you have even got silver buckles to your shoes as the Chamberlain's nephew has;' and she got up from her chair and went into the house.
'What a silly thing Love is,' said the Student as he walked away. 'It is not half as useful as Logic, for it does not prove anything, and it is always telling one of things that are not going to happen, and making one believe things that are not true. In fact, it is quite unpractical, and, as in this age to be practical is everything, I shall go back to Philosophy and study Metaphysics.'
So he returned to his room and pulled out a great dusty book, and began to read.
The nightingale inspired me to love with all my heart. Fidelis ad mortem.
To be a true lover. And it does feel as though we are in a world with few true lovers, where so many would throw down their roses, for worthless things. Like jewels.
I'm losing faith in humanity
Paladin, doesn't love make a difference?
No.
Why?
Because there's never a happy ending :)
no matter how much love there is
bad shit happens
and you can't stop it
people are bad
love doesn't make a person better
it makes then foolish
it makes them irrational.
I used to believe in so much good, and it's like all of a sudden, I can see everything dark. Why?
It's like all those times people picked on me, or ganged up on innocent people, or were too harsh, and hurt someone I love, I put them behind me.
It's like I never saw cheating happen before...
I always believed love mattered, and there was good in everything, and there was always a chance,
of a happy ending.
No.
Why?
Because there's never a happy ending :)
no matter how much love there is
bad shit happens
and you can't stop it
people are bad
love doesn't make a person better
it makes then foolish
it makes them irrational.
I used to believe in so much good, and it's like all of a sudden, I can see everything dark. Why?
It's like all those times people picked on me, or ganged up on innocent people, or were too harsh, and hurt someone I love, I put them behind me.
It's like I never saw cheating happen before...
I always believed love mattered, and there was good in everything, and there was always a chance,
of a happy ending.
Basic behaviour.
Surely when you love someone, you don't flirt with their friends?
In fact, aside from as a joke, you don't at all?
:/
When you love someone, you don't cheat on them? Surely it hurts you just as much as it would hurt them, knowing you had. That you had knowingly, in a rational state of mind?
And even if you were drunk, you still have some choice.
I'm all for doing things, as long as I don't get caught.
But fidelity? That's different.. whether you get caught or not, just. There must be something wrong with you, if you would?
In fact, aside from as a joke, you don't at all?
:/
When you love someone, you don't cheat on them? Surely it hurts you just as much as it would hurt them, knowing you had. That you had knowingly, in a rational state of mind?
And even if you were drunk, you still have some choice.
I'm all for doing things, as long as I don't get caught.
But fidelity? That's different.. whether you get caught or not, just. There must be something wrong with you, if you would?
Don't you hate it when you're trying to be sad and someone makes you laugh?
There is one person in the world who always knows knows how to cheer me up.
Paladin gets that I'm ridiculously fickle. Showering me with flattery and praise ALWAYS works.
And if it doesn't... you could always pick up a guitar.
;D
Paladin gets that I'm ridiculously fickle. Showering me with flattery and praise ALWAYS works.
And if it doesn't... you could always pick up a guitar.
;D
There are people in the world who bring out our most poetic voice.
Far far away, there is a blue eyed boy, who lives in the darkest world. The cruellest of places, where every day is a fight. And the stars should stop shining and turn their heads away for our ugliness.
And in the world opposite that, is a world which is just as dark. But in this world, there are love songs, and as long as there are love songs, people believe in love, and the illusions continue. For love songs capture peoples minds, and that is all needed, for love to work its 'magic'
In this illusion world, there are people with endless optimism, and the capability to love - people so bright they can't be snuffed out easily as candles, they light up their world, and only death can take them, and it's proud to do so.
But the blue eyed boy, for all his fucking stubborn light who is not deaf to the songs, hides from it, in another world. I'd mark him a coward, but we know he's strong, we know he has the light, he's just too afraid to let it shine.
And in the world opposite that, is a world which is just as dark. But in this world, there are love songs, and as long as there are love songs, people believe in love, and the illusions continue. For love songs capture peoples minds, and that is all needed, for love to work its 'magic'
In this illusion world, there are people with endless optimism, and the capability to love - people so bright they can't be snuffed out easily as candles, they light up their world, and only death can take them, and it's proud to do so.
But the blue eyed boy, for all his fucking stubborn light who is not deaf to the songs, hides from it, in another world. I'd mark him a coward, but we know he's strong, we know he has the light, he's just too afraid to let it shine.
4/16/2010
I love Mufasaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Remember, who you are.
I had to quote him somewhere.
Anywaays, I'm in love with Mufasa, I think, I love him quite substantially.
Isn't he lovely? And fluffy? With a big nose, and hayooooge paws and such :)
<333333333
I had to quote him somewhere.
Anywaays, I'm in love with Mufasa, I think, I love him quite substantially.
Isn't he lovely? And fluffy? With a big nose, and hayooooge paws and such :)
<333333333
My mum says Im cool..
My mummy hated that when I was little, I refused to wear dresses, I hated pink for about 5 years.
She often tells me I'm fat.
That I should get the next size up, stop eating so much, and exercise more.
But it never mattered because, she loves me anyways, and I love me anyway.
A lot of my life, i've been excluded cause of it. I didn't fit in with girls when I was little. I made friends with boys instead, because they arent as harsh and judgemental, which is where my trust in them as a whole stems.
I asked Paladin
"Dyou think I'm weird?"
"In what sense?"
"Every sense.."
"Why do you ask?"
"People are mean to me because of it"
""I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.""
"Where's that from?"
"Alice in wonderland. :)"
":)"
Mummy said, sometimes it's better to follow the crowd. I think people in this country are sad and harsh and bitches. If you're happy the way you are, don't change. But you have to be stronger, because there's a lot of them, and one of you.
And Mufasa said, I love it. People who aren't weird are boring.
People are either charming or tedious.. je pense?
She often tells me I'm fat.
That I should get the next size up, stop eating so much, and exercise more.
But it never mattered because, she loves me anyways, and I love me anyway.
A lot of my life, i've been excluded cause of it. I didn't fit in with girls when I was little. I made friends with boys instead, because they arent as harsh and judgemental, which is where my trust in them as a whole stems.
I asked Paladin
"Dyou think I'm weird?"
"In what sense?"
"Every sense.."
"Why do you ask?"
"People are mean to me because of it"
""I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.""
"Where's that from?"
"Alice in wonderland. :)"
":)"
Mummy said, sometimes it's better to follow the crowd. I think people in this country are sad and harsh and bitches. If you're happy the way you are, don't change. But you have to be stronger, because there's a lot of them, and one of you.
And Mufasa said, I love it. People who aren't weird are boring.
People are either charming or tedious.. je pense?
4/14/2010
What is the measure of love?
Last night I was talking to Paladin.
And he says, he knows I love him, but he couldnt say how much, because I tell everyone so.
Then I thought, how can you measure love?
We tried percentages of a pie chart, but that means that, your heart has a limited capacity for love, and it just doesn't work.
Then, tried splitting love into different catagories. Family, friends, romantic. But you find that people overlap into the catagories, and there are so many different kinds of love. Like for your pets.
A list of most loved to least loved, can't work, because some loves are equal for different reasons, and it isnt a measure, so much as most to least. Also you can't love someone least, some people you just feel neutral about.
Then we moved onto the Sims2 theory. That everyone has a lifetime bar, and a short term bar. So, you can be pissed off at your best friend, or your parents, or your lover, but that doesn't mean you'll be apart forever. And some people have a love heart next to their bar, some people an infatuation heart etc..
I think the Sims clocked it quite well. You should have a love bar, a how you get on at the present time bar, and a lifetime bar. Maybe throw in an attractiveness bar?
But it still can't cover the complexities of it. You can hate someone with a passion and still be in love with them, and you can be half in love with two people at once.
We gave up on the subject, 'cause it'd take endless diagrams and catagories, and so many people we feel for.
Just wow.
Love is complicated, who came up with such a ridiculous idea?
And he says, he knows I love him, but he couldnt say how much, because I tell everyone so.
Then I thought, how can you measure love?
We tried percentages of a pie chart, but that means that, your heart has a limited capacity for love, and it just doesn't work.
Then, tried splitting love into different catagories. Family, friends, romantic. But you find that people overlap into the catagories, and there are so many different kinds of love. Like for your pets.
A list of most loved to least loved, can't work, because some loves are equal for different reasons, and it isnt a measure, so much as most to least. Also you can't love someone least, some people you just feel neutral about.
Then we moved onto the Sims2 theory. That everyone has a lifetime bar, and a short term bar. So, you can be pissed off at your best friend, or your parents, or your lover, but that doesn't mean you'll be apart forever. And some people have a love heart next to their bar, some people an infatuation heart etc..
I think the Sims clocked it quite well. You should have a love bar, a how you get on at the present time bar, and a lifetime bar. Maybe throw in an attractiveness bar?
But it still can't cover the complexities of it. You can hate someone with a passion and still be in love with them, and you can be half in love with two people at once.
We gave up on the subject, 'cause it'd take endless diagrams and catagories, and so many people we feel for.
Just wow.
Love is complicated, who came up with such a ridiculous idea?
Eye colour.
I know a boy with blue in his eyes,
A light blue-turquoise, like the sea, not the skies,
It's like being a bird looking down on a tropical beach,
And the deep prussian blue rocks are scattered over the reefs,
He said I have eyes, like pools of swiss chocolate,
Full of mystery and barely concealed intelligence,
I got lost in them.
I know a girl who has autumn in her eyes,
But they turn to emerald green, only when she cries.
(Yeah, you know who you are.)
And someone, with dark dark eyes,
They almost look black,
But in the sunshine, they shine, they shine with gold.
Popop.
When you look at someone, you do notice their eyes.
When you're in love you tend to gaze into them.
And when you love someone, you see things, beautiful things, that people otherwise, would think are not there.
A light blue-turquoise, like the sea, not the skies,
It's like being a bird looking down on a tropical beach,
And the deep prussian blue rocks are scattered over the reefs,
He said I have eyes, like pools of swiss chocolate,
Full of mystery and barely concealed intelligence,
I got lost in them.
I know a girl who has autumn in her eyes,
But they turn to emerald green, only when she cries.
(Yeah, you know who you are.)
And someone, with dark dark eyes,
They almost look black,
But in the sunshine, they shine, they shine with gold.
Popop.
When you look at someone, you do notice their eyes.
When you're in love you tend to gaze into them.
And when you love someone, you see things, beautiful things, that people otherwise, would think are not there.
Today, I went...
I went up a valley today.
To look at a reservior and a riverside.
You could see green , and straw coloured grass, speckled with purple heather that hadn't yet blossomed, because spring comes slower in the North.
Small farmhouses, and sheep everywhere, wandered close to the road.
And ever so small at the bottom of the valleys, you could see villages.
A sharp left turn off the road would be an easy suicide.
The thought thrilled me. I was scared, but I almost wanted to do it, because it'd be a fun way to die.
I got the greatest urge, to stop the car and just... play.
The steep slopes, and loose limestone rocks, would be amazing for playing on. Rolling around and down. Running. Finding overhangs, and sheltering under the rock.
I'd be afraid of falling into a bog, under the heather and never being seen again.
But It'd be fun.
Places like that,
forests, jungle, places full of nature, and hidden danger, theyre so much fun to just play on, and wander round.
Concrete is the only playground we are granted now. Rooftops and metal buidings.
But you aren't as free when you play there..
To look at a reservior and a riverside.
You could see green , and straw coloured grass, speckled with purple heather that hadn't yet blossomed, because spring comes slower in the North.
Small farmhouses, and sheep everywhere, wandered close to the road.
And ever so small at the bottom of the valleys, you could see villages.
A sharp left turn off the road would be an easy suicide.
The thought thrilled me. I was scared, but I almost wanted to do it, because it'd be a fun way to die.
I got the greatest urge, to stop the car and just... play.
The steep slopes, and loose limestone rocks, would be amazing for playing on. Rolling around and down. Running. Finding overhangs, and sheltering under the rock.
I'd be afraid of falling into a bog, under the heather and never being seen again.
But It'd be fun.
Places like that,
forests, jungle, places full of nature, and hidden danger, theyre so much fun to just play on, and wander round.
Concrete is the only playground we are granted now. Rooftops and metal buidings.
But you aren't as free when you play there..
4/13/2010
Sometimes you can't have your hearts desire.
" If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs,
The bark on the tree was as soft as the skies.
The wolf waits below, hungry and lonely,
And cries to the moon, if only, if only."
-Louis Sachar, Holes
The bark on the tree was as soft as the skies.
The wolf waits below, hungry and lonely,
And cries to the moon, if only, if only."
-Louis Sachar, Holes
hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.
If you never stand up for yourself, or what you believe in, you'll never have any ememies.
A really great person has people hate them who they've never even heard of.
It has occurred to me, there is so much hate around these days.
Also, I'm in my own little world, there are people in the year below me, and the year below that, who have been around me for a long time. In the same building every single day, and I never knew they existed. I wouldn't have recognised their faces if they were in town.
And now, I don't stop seeing them.
Like when you learn the meaning of a new word, I seem to see that word so many times in the next week.
But these people who I don't know exist, notice me.
Everyone seems to know who I am.
Even outside my school, random people know me as
"the girl who dresses strangely and skips around town"
And I've never spoken to 90% of the people in my school. Never seen them, because I'm not looking.
Yet they hate me!
I'd be offended, if it wasn't funny and slightly pathetic, I'm almost flattered. To dislike someone with such vigour and never spoken to them, never looked deeper that what other people say, and how i'm weird :)
Whether they love you or hate you, they're still thinking about you.
And the only thing worse than being talked about, is not being talked about.
A really great person has people hate them who they've never even heard of.
It has occurred to me, there is so much hate around these days.
Also, I'm in my own little world, there are people in the year below me, and the year below that, who have been around me for a long time. In the same building every single day, and I never knew they existed. I wouldn't have recognised their faces if they were in town.
And now, I don't stop seeing them.
Like when you learn the meaning of a new word, I seem to see that word so many times in the next week.
But these people who I don't know exist, notice me.
Everyone seems to know who I am.
Even outside my school, random people know me as
"the girl who dresses strangely and skips around town"
And I've never spoken to 90% of the people in my school. Never seen them, because I'm not looking.
Yet they hate me!
I'd be offended, if it wasn't funny and slightly pathetic, I'm almost flattered. To dislike someone with such vigour and never spoken to them, never looked deeper that what other people say, and how i'm weird :)
Whether they love you or hate you, they're still thinking about you.
And the only thing worse than being talked about, is not being talked about.
4/12/2010
You sex beast, you.
Everyone seems to think sexsexsex is on my mind,
but on the contrary, it's lovelovelove.
I'm open to sex.
I'd try about anything.
But love comes first.
Sex doesn't matter.
I have needs, but I'm not a slave to them.
I joke about it, because it's just there.
Seriously, there's more to me than people think.
Mostly its a facade.
but on the contrary, it's lovelovelove.
I'm open to sex.
I'd try about anything.
But love comes first.
Sex doesn't matter.
I have needs, but I'm not a slave to them.
I joke about it, because it's just there.
Seriously, there's more to me than people think.
Mostly its a facade.
Oscar Wilde is a great inspiration
But as any inspiration, I think he has flaws in his thought. He is quite cynical.
In his character Lord Henry, he says
"I believe that if one man were to live out his life fully and completely, were to give form to every feeling, expression to every thought, reality to every dream -- I believe that the world would gain such a fresh impulse of joy that we would forget all the maladies of mediaevalism, and return to the Hellenic ideal-- to something finer, richer than the Hellenic ideal,it may be."
"But the bravest man amongst us is afraid of himself. The mutilation of the savage has its tragic survival in the self-denial that mars our lives. We are punished for our refusals. Every impulse that we strive to strangle broods in the mind and poisons us. The body sins once, and has done with its sin, for action is a mode of purification. Nothing remains then but the recollection of a pleasure, orthe luxury of a regret.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful. It has been said that the great events of the world take place in the brain.
It is in the brain, and the brain only, that the great sins of the world take place also. You, Mr. Gray, you yourself, with your rose-red youth and your rose-white boyhood, you have had passions that have made you afraid, thoughts that have fined you with terror, day-dreams and sleeping dreams whose mere memory might stain your cheek with shame --"
Imagine if you did everything you ever wanted, if you dared to.
It'd be glorious.
Surely the idea is valid, with someee hesitation.
I disagree with adultery and cheating.
Imagine if we gave action, like they do in the movies.
Declared our love beneath window balconies, stopped aeroplanes, sang a public love song.
If we loved with all our hearts with no fear of being hurt, or of anyones judgement!
I try and live like that, I'm scared as much as anyone else, but I try.
I wish to wear my heart on my sleeve, so I have no regrets, so I get hurt, so when I'm old, I'd make mistakes all over again just to feel youth!
Me and Leo, believe in being brave. We're afraid, make no mistake.
My mother told me never to rely on anyone but myself, to be independant and strong.
Leo is a lion, he ought to be brave and strong.
To be brave, I think everyone is afraid at first, and to overcome it, you must do things that scare you.
And so I shall..
In his character Lord Henry, he says
"I believe that if one man were to live out his life fully and completely, were to give form to every feeling, expression to every thought, reality to every dream -- I believe that the world would gain such a fresh impulse of joy that we would forget all the maladies of mediaevalism, and return to the Hellenic ideal-- to something finer, richer than the Hellenic ideal,it may be."
"But the bravest man amongst us is afraid of himself. The mutilation of the savage has its tragic survival in the self-denial that mars our lives. We are punished for our refusals. Every impulse that we strive to strangle broods in the mind and poisons us. The body sins once, and has done with its sin, for action is a mode of purification. Nothing remains then but the recollection of a pleasure, orthe luxury of a regret.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful. It has been said that the great events of the world take place in the brain.
It is in the brain, and the brain only, that the great sins of the world take place also. You, Mr. Gray, you yourself, with your rose-red youth and your rose-white boyhood, you have had passions that have made you afraid, thoughts that have fined you with terror, day-dreams and sleeping dreams whose mere memory might stain your cheek with shame --"
Imagine if you did everything you ever wanted, if you dared to.
It'd be glorious.
Surely the idea is valid, with someee hesitation.
I disagree with adultery and cheating.
Imagine if we gave action, like they do in the movies.
Declared our love beneath window balconies, stopped aeroplanes, sang a public love song.
If we loved with all our hearts with no fear of being hurt, or of anyones judgement!
I try and live like that, I'm scared as much as anyone else, but I try.
I wish to wear my heart on my sleeve, so I have no regrets, so I get hurt, so when I'm old, I'd make mistakes all over again just to feel youth!
Me and Leo, believe in being brave. We're afraid, make no mistake.
My mother told me never to rely on anyone but myself, to be independant and strong.
Leo is a lion, he ought to be brave and strong.
To be brave, I think everyone is afraid at first, and to overcome it, you must do things that scare you.
And so I shall..
Music
So Emily, I know you think in music.
Beasts think in feelings, instinct.
Most people think in words.
Kinda weird that people from different places think in different languages.
If you could read minds, could you read the mind of a Spaniard?
Would you hear spanish words?
At the same time, would you feel human feelings, and understand it anyway?
Words aren't as big as actions.
But we still need words to express ourselves, and words have always come to me.
I write poems in my spare time. They just flow like the peaceful streams, gliding over rocks, and falling in a pale curtain over cliff faces, into pools of more water.
I even tried to write a song the other day. When I love a special person, I write poetry, for lack of any other strong enough way to express my emotion.
Oscar Wilde says the poets with the best poetry, feel the least.
And the poets that feel the most, with vibrant lives, have awful poetry, because the poetry inside them goes into their life.
I don't think it's true, or I think, I'd have awful poetry.
But I agree, that when you live your poetry, there is less time to write down the feelings you capture.
Then again, the more feeling you feel in your life, the more inspiration for poetry
Oh the power in words.
I think a great name, can encourage the makings of a great person.
Like a book with a great name, you are drawn to it and want to know more. It may be an utter disappointment, but it still drew you in, and fascinated you, its the first step to revealing a great inside.
Anyway, I found myself, writing a song, and singing it's tune, but there's no background music that comes to me. Just the music in the voice.
Beasts think in feelings, instinct.
Most people think in words.
Kinda weird that people from different places think in different languages.
If you could read minds, could you read the mind of a Spaniard?
Would you hear spanish words?
At the same time, would you feel human feelings, and understand it anyway?
Words aren't as big as actions.
But we still need words to express ourselves, and words have always come to me.
I write poems in my spare time. They just flow like the peaceful streams, gliding over rocks, and falling in a pale curtain over cliff faces, into pools of more water.
I even tried to write a song the other day. When I love a special person, I write poetry, for lack of any other strong enough way to express my emotion.
Oscar Wilde says the poets with the best poetry, feel the least.
And the poets that feel the most, with vibrant lives, have awful poetry, because the poetry inside them goes into their life.
I don't think it's true, or I think, I'd have awful poetry.
But I agree, that when you live your poetry, there is less time to write down the feelings you capture.
Then again, the more feeling you feel in your life, the more inspiration for poetry
Oh the power in words.
I think a great name, can encourage the makings of a great person.
Like a book with a great name, you are drawn to it and want to know more. It may be an utter disappointment, but it still drew you in, and fascinated you, its the first step to revealing a great inside.
Anyway, I found myself, writing a song, and singing it's tune, but there's no background music that comes to me. Just the music in the voice.
Pop.
I say pop a lot.
It kinda means I had a thought. Like a metaphorical thought bubble.
So if I say it, I'm thinking, or I was, or I just moved from or onto a new thought.
Sometimes when I think about love, I think about how it's an illusion
but how it's so believable because of how it makes us feel.
How it hurts
Then if I'm in a deeper philosophical mood, I think about how life is exactly the same.
We're just matter, held together by atoms.
There's us, and life, and the world.
You'd think that this was all there is if we didn't know there's a universe outside of it.
But, we feel.
Pain and joy.
Then I had a really weird night, where I was tired and in the car, and I have my deeper moments while I'm driving (technically being driven)
I think about how, when I listen to music on my ipod, the feeling of the scenery outside changes. From sad, to happy, to hopeful, etc
How seasons change, and your mood with it. A cold winter morning is depressing, kinda hopeful and beautiful, but in a tragic way. And a summer afternoon its buttery relaxation, while the sun sinks, fizzing out.
How I'm in a metal cage, speeding past life.
How at night I can look up, in the middle of the countryside and see stars, millions, because there isnt any light pollution.
Stars are just like humans - they burn hot and bright, but theyre so small, and they'll burn out one day.
We have something so precious and fragile, and we'd throw it away, for love, for money, for folly.
Sometimes I see a sunset, and I stare, because I didnt realise that in real life, you could see such beautiful vivid colours, and in ENGLAND, where its all green and grey.
I thought about the prussian blue of the evening sky, and how, there was so much more outside.
If a greater creature had claws that could slice through reality if youd see the gashes in the sky, of white, or darkest black. Blacker or whiter than any of our colours.
I thought why are we here? What purpose do we serve? We're just like little bacteria, living our lives and reproducing without really knowing why.
Are we making something? And for what? Fuel? Energy? Drugs? Money?
Maybe a creature feeds off us.
Maybe if we were not here, the world would die, because we give it life, and without our hot burning life, the Earth would be a lonely empty slab of rock.
If we look at the animal world, it would seem the apex of our lives would be to reproduce.
But we humans do it different.
It's not all about new life anymore.
In fact, if I could say what humans lived for, now. I'd say pleasure.
School is so we can learn, so we can fend for ourselves in a tough world and have pleasure and safety when we're older.
People leave school for short term pleasure.
Hobbies, pleasure.
Sex, pleasure.
Shopping, pleasure
To me, love is the greatest pleasure. And I probably don't dedicate my life to love for the sake of love. It's for it's beauty and the pleasure it brings. Infinite paradise. And if love were to end, I carry on optimistic, for the hope of more love and more pleasure.
Pop.
I'm thinking too much.
It kinda means I had a thought. Like a metaphorical thought bubble.
So if I say it, I'm thinking, or I was, or I just moved from or onto a new thought.
Sometimes when I think about love, I think about how it's an illusion
but how it's so believable because of how it makes us feel.
How it hurts
Then if I'm in a deeper philosophical mood, I think about how life is exactly the same.
We're just matter, held together by atoms.
There's us, and life, and the world.
You'd think that this was all there is if we didn't know there's a universe outside of it.
But, we feel.
Pain and joy.
Then I had a really weird night, where I was tired and in the car, and I have my deeper moments while I'm driving (technically being driven)
I think about how, when I listen to music on my ipod, the feeling of the scenery outside changes. From sad, to happy, to hopeful, etc
How seasons change, and your mood with it. A cold winter morning is depressing, kinda hopeful and beautiful, but in a tragic way. And a summer afternoon its buttery relaxation, while the sun sinks, fizzing out.
How I'm in a metal cage, speeding past life.
How at night I can look up, in the middle of the countryside and see stars, millions, because there isnt any light pollution.
Stars are just like humans - they burn hot and bright, but theyre so small, and they'll burn out one day.
We have something so precious and fragile, and we'd throw it away, for love, for money, for folly.
Sometimes I see a sunset, and I stare, because I didnt realise that in real life, you could see such beautiful vivid colours, and in ENGLAND, where its all green and grey.
I thought about the prussian blue of the evening sky, and how, there was so much more outside.
If a greater creature had claws that could slice through reality if youd see the gashes in the sky, of white, or darkest black. Blacker or whiter than any of our colours.
I thought why are we here? What purpose do we serve? We're just like little bacteria, living our lives and reproducing without really knowing why.
Are we making something? And for what? Fuel? Energy? Drugs? Money?
Maybe a creature feeds off us.
Maybe if we were not here, the world would die, because we give it life, and without our hot burning life, the Earth would be a lonely empty slab of rock.
If we look at the animal world, it would seem the apex of our lives would be to reproduce.
But we humans do it different.
It's not all about new life anymore.
In fact, if I could say what humans lived for, now. I'd say pleasure.
School is so we can learn, so we can fend for ourselves in a tough world and have pleasure and safety when we're older.
People leave school for short term pleasure.
Hobbies, pleasure.
Sex, pleasure.
Shopping, pleasure
To me, love is the greatest pleasure. And I probably don't dedicate my life to love for the sake of love. It's for it's beauty and the pleasure it brings. Infinite paradise. And if love were to end, I carry on optimistic, for the hope of more love and more pleasure.
Pop.
I'm thinking too much.
Hide and seek.
So I was thinking bout the people in our lives.
There are the ones we know everything, perhaps too much about, and others that we can never figure out and we know hardly anything about.
The latter kinda intrigue us, cause we're curious
and the former kinda intrigue us, cause we don't know how they can bare so much.
Then I thought, the people who hide a lot, what they do show, is it more important/relevant?
And what the open people don't show, is that what's most important?
Everyone hides something, conceals something.
I show people lots, they know so much about me, but I think they have no idea - Cause I conceal something in every conversation I have.
I call it creative truth telling.
There are the ones we know everything, perhaps too much about, and others that we can never figure out and we know hardly anything about.
The latter kinda intrigue us, cause we're curious
and the former kinda intrigue us, cause we don't know how they can bare so much.
Then I thought, the people who hide a lot, what they do show, is it more important/relevant?
And what the open people don't show, is that what's most important?
Everyone hides something, conceals something.
I show people lots, they know so much about me, but I think they have no idea - Cause I conceal something in every conversation I have.
I call it creative truth telling.
4/11/2010
How can we know when we truly love?
Is love not love, in all forms?
Some loves are meant for a night and not a lifetime, but it's love just the same.
Is being in love, or true love, a different form?
Does fidelity make your love stronger, or more fickle?
Should you give up on ones you love? Perhaps if it for their benefit.
And which love is greater? The unselfish love, where you'd do anything for their happiness, even if it means you're apart. Or the selfish love, where you'd fight anything or anyone to have them, throw aside your morals, even if they don't want you back?
I think I'll spend my whole life wondering about love, and no one will ever be able to define it for everyone.
I tell everyone I love them, I fling the word about because it's true.
I just don't tell them the extent of my love.
Some loves are meant for a night and not a lifetime, but it's love just the same.
Is being in love, or true love, a different form?
Does fidelity make your love stronger, or more fickle?
Should you give up on ones you love? Perhaps if it for their benefit.
And which love is greater? The unselfish love, where you'd do anything for their happiness, even if it means you're apart. Or the selfish love, where you'd fight anything or anyone to have them, throw aside your morals, even if they don't want you back?
I think I'll spend my whole life wondering about love, and no one will ever be able to define it for everyone.
I tell everyone I love them, I fling the word about because it's true.
I just don't tell them the extent of my love.
4/01/2010
Puppies.
I've been thinking about the puppy I wanna have.
I was watching 101 Dalmatians and I thought...
'All of the dog owners look like their dogs..'
Now, I would like an Irish Red Setter.
Their hair looks freakishly like mine O_O
I was watching 101 Dalmatians and I thought...
'All of the dog owners look like their dogs..'
Now, I would like an Irish Red Setter.
Their hair looks freakishly like mine O_O
I like them fat girls. I like them skinny girls.
I really hate all this pressure on girls to be skinny.
Yeah there's some on boys to, but only if theyre morbidly obese and then it's probably for their own good.
Yes, I make jokes about it. I've even been to the debate about it, and I laughed at the idea of a fat person having an alarm going off at the till if theyre overweight and try to buy fatty foods.
But really, I like them carrying a little bitty weight girls.
And everyone knows I love boys with chub <3
Thing is, it's girls that create this pressure. Magazines and such tell you that you should be a certain size and often show you a little too much, but girls and their snide comments enforce it.
I SAY I LIKE THEM FAT GIRLS.
Be a real girl.
Be proud :)
Yeah there's some on boys to, but only if theyre morbidly obese and then it's probably for their own good.
Yes, I make jokes about it. I've even been to the debate about it, and I laughed at the idea of a fat person having an alarm going off at the till if theyre overweight and try to buy fatty foods.
But really, I like them carrying a little bitty weight girls.
And everyone knows I love boys with chub <3
Thing is, it's girls that create this pressure. Magazines and such tell you that you should be a certain size and often show you a little too much, but girls and their snide comments enforce it.
I SAY I LIKE THEM FAT GIRLS.
Be a real girl.
Be proud :)
Don't get the wrong idea here.
If you hate him it's probably justified, but I love him like my own blood, forever :)
Few people love him at all.
And that's it.
I love this girl :)
Gabbobsponge, I swear you hide everything from people, and you never tell me anything. But you're loveeely and you rarely ever say a bad word about anyone and everyone loves you :) (Even if you have voices in your head, I still think you're quiet and a great big contradiction )
This is quite possibly the most random blog post ever.
Fudgecaking pigeons are everywhere.
Seriously, in this country they're in every city, town and village.
Even in more remote countryside we have wood pigeons.
In Thailand, I see more pigeons.
Mostly in the cities, but yes, even in Cha-Am by the beach I can hear the coooooo coooooo of a flipping pigeon.
Never been to a country where I havent seen at least on pigeon.
It's kinda creepy how theyre always perched on rooftops, watching you pass by.
Makes you think, what saucy things has a pigeon seen?
Shady ball-licking activity.
People falling in love.
Someone being run over.
Women buying sandwiches for lunch.
Men buying burgers for lunch.
If you put cameras on pigeons, you might catch more criminals.
Cause theyre everywhere. Everywhere. Yes everywhere.
(Pigeons, not criminals. Though I suppose there are lots of them too)
Seriously, in this country they're in every city, town and village.
Even in more remote countryside we have wood pigeons.
In Thailand, I see more pigeons.
Mostly in the cities, but yes, even in Cha-Am by the beach I can hear the coooooo coooooo of a flipping pigeon.
Never been to a country where I havent seen at least on pigeon.
It's kinda creepy how theyre always perched on rooftops, watching you pass by.
Makes you think, what saucy things has a pigeon seen?
Shady ball-licking activity.
People falling in love.
Someone being run over.
Women buying sandwiches for lunch.
Men buying burgers for lunch.
If you put cameras on pigeons, you might catch more criminals.
Cause theyre everywhere. Everywhere. Yes everywhere.
(Pigeons, not criminals. Though I suppose there are lots of them too)
3/27/2010
Grow up.
A lot of people call me immature, and they often tell me to grow up.
I know that doing stupid stuff can annoy people, but really who wants to hurry growing up?
I also know that some people are forced to grow up too soon.
I think that true love with another person takes a lot of growing up, but I'm still not in a rush.
There's a great pleasure in wearing socks with furry animals on them, socks made for 5 year olds.
I'm not gonna stop loving bouncy castles.
In my old age, I'll probably still be in my own little world.
I know that doing stupid stuff can annoy people, but really who wants to hurry growing up?
I also know that some people are forced to grow up too soon.
I think that true love with another person takes a lot of growing up, but I'm still not in a rush.
There's a great pleasure in wearing socks with furry animals on them, socks made for 5 year olds.
I'm not gonna stop loving bouncy castles.
In my old age, I'll probably still be in my own little world.
3/20/2010
The story of a good man.
Today I heard about a man who people thought was emasculated by his wife.
Then one day someone asked him why, and he said
My wife grew up in a broken family, her parents argued and her father was always drunk, she had to take care of three younger siblings. If she didn't tke care of them, and make sure it was all running smoothly, it'd all fall apart. Even now she thinks that, if she doesn't control everything it'll fall apart. It's impossible for anyone to control everything... but, she can control me. If I let her. So I do, to make her feel safe, that's my job, as her husband.
That's love.
Then one day someone asked him why, and he said
My wife grew up in a broken family, her parents argued and her father was always drunk, she had to take care of three younger siblings. If she didn't tke care of them, and make sure it was all running smoothly, it'd all fall apart. Even now she thinks that, if she doesn't control everything it'll fall apart. It's impossible for anyone to control everything... but, she can control me. If I let her. So I do, to make her feel safe, that's my job, as her husband.
That's love.
Animals
I never knew why, but I've always hated humans as a race.
Animals in general behave the same way, not humans.
Some humans are monogamous, some the complete opposite.
Maybe it's cause as a race, humans are stupid. Individuals can be intelligent.
And why do I look at animals differently?
I compare people I know to animals in the way they behave.
I draw animals, and never draw humans, because where I see beauty in animals, I see ugliness in people.
There are few humans, which to me, can compare to the beauty of a fine animal.
Animals in general behave the same way, not humans.
Some humans are monogamous, some the complete opposite.
Maybe it's cause as a race, humans are stupid. Individuals can be intelligent.
And why do I look at animals differently?
I compare people I know to animals in the way they behave.
I draw animals, and never draw humans, because where I see beauty in animals, I see ugliness in people.
There are few humans, which to me, can compare to the beauty of a fine animal.
Emotions
I was talking to Mufasa, and I cannot comprehend how he doesn't show emotion.
It isn't that he suppresses it, if anything he tries to show more emotion.
Mufasa, Shumba and King Julian all don't show it, and they're all strong. I've only ever seen KJ cry once in my lifee. The other two I've never seen. I know they feel, but why doesn't showing it come naturally?
It scares me. I never know what they think.
I always thought letting it out made you strong, 'cause though people know what your weaknesses are, people around you understood, they'll love you, help you.
And for the ones we love, we fight as the fiercest of all.
It isn't that he suppresses it, if anything he tries to show more emotion.
Mufasa, Shumba and King Julian all don't show it, and they're all strong. I've only ever seen KJ cry once in my lifee. The other two I've never seen. I know they feel, but why doesn't showing it come naturally?
It scares me. I never know what they think.
I always thought letting it out made you strong, 'cause though people know what your weaknesses are, people around you understood, they'll love you, help you.
And for the ones we love, we fight as the fiercest of all.
3/18/2010
Flattery gets you anywhere.
For me this always applies. People think I'm overexaggerating when I tell them this.
Seriously. Flattery makes me melt like warm nutella.
Seriously. Flattery makes me melt like warm nutella.
The Princess and the Frog.
This is officially my favourite movie.
It's about just being who you are,
Not having to change to be with someone you love,
Love is all you need,
Being a 'daddy's girl'
If you never give up, your dream will come true,
Never stop believeing in the one you care for.
I'm such a naive, soppy, squishy, creature ^_^
It's about just being who you are,
Not having to change to be with someone you love,
Love is all you need,
Being a 'daddy's girl'
If you never give up, your dream will come true,
Never stop believeing in the one you care for.
I'm such a naive, soppy, squishy, creature ^_^
3/17/2010
TIDAAAL WAAAVE!#
It's finally hit me.
I have to start revising.
It's serious this time, GSCE's.
I can't just go without.
My life depends on it !
I hate effort.
I have to start revising.
It's serious this time, GSCE's.
I can't just go without.
My life depends on it !
I hate effort.
Mufasa.
I love Mufasa (yes, I am once again making up names for people). When I'm with Mufasa, I'm happy, I laugh, and nothing matters :)
The more I am with him, the more I love him.
That is all.
The more I am with him, the more I love him.
That is all.
Pragmatic.
Oh I do dislike a pragmatic person. Who cares about practicality when it comes to love?
I believe that in life there will always be important things to do. Work, Exams, and the like.
But when we look back later, we'll know we would have done anything to be with that person who made us feel different, the person who was real.
Love comes first :)
I believe that in life there will always be important things to do. Work, Exams, and the like.
But when we look back later, we'll know we would have done anything to be with that person who made us feel different, the person who was real.
Love comes first :)
3/15/2010
Truth?
So not many people know the truth of what I feel.
For anyone who wants to know.
Yes, I'm still in love with Giacomo, and I'm proud.
But people shout at me for loving him, tell me I'm stupid. ...You can't help how you feel.
I might act like I don't, but it's quite clear. I think you all know anyway.
I act like I don't towards him because he likes to hurt, probably because I hurt him too.
He acts so much I don't know what's real anymore. Logic and heart clouds what is true.
My instincts knoww that he did, once upon a time.
For anyone who wants to know.
Yes, I'm still in love with Giacomo, and I'm proud.
But people shout at me for loving him, tell me I'm stupid. ...You can't help how you feel.
I might act like I don't, but it's quite clear. I think you all know anyway.
I act like I don't towards him because he likes to hurt, probably because I hurt him too.
He acts so much I don't know what's real anymore. Logic and heart clouds what is true.
My instincts knoww that he did, once upon a time.
Childhood
When I was little, I spoke little. I dreamed up worlds of my own, and I didn't need anyone, because my mind could entertain myself.
I still am a dreamer.
I love who I am, I love well. I love how I look and how I see things.
Where I am may be bad, but who I am never truly changes and so where I am is easy to change.
I learnt I could manipulate. It was easy, so I did, and it was fun.
But I'm still growing up and I know it should be used in moderation.
We're all capable of chaos, and such things give us power. Power tastes good.
I still am a dreamer.
I love who I am, I love well. I love how I look and how I see things.
Where I am may be bad, but who I am never truly changes and so where I am is easy to change.
I learnt I could manipulate. It was easy, so I did, and it was fun.
But I'm still growing up and I know it should be used in moderation.
We're all capable of chaos, and such things give us power. Power tastes good.
Blogging.
What I love about blogging, is that this is what I really want to say, but few people read it.
So few people know the real me, but then, not many people know the real anyone.
I conceal, because the truth hurts.
I manipulate, because I can. I don't even like it much.
People hurt others, and when you hide, its harder to get hurt.
So few people know the real me, but then, not many people know the real anyone.
I conceal, because the truth hurts.
I manipulate, because I can. I don't even like it much.
People hurt others, and when you hide, its harder to get hurt.
3/13/2010
Just average
How is it that an insignificant individual makes us feel what we can't to another?
Even if said individual is bad, or not our type, just average.
It seems like there's more to it.
Even if said individual is bad, or not our type, just average.
It seems like there's more to it.
Scissors for Leftys.
I'm left handed. People used to think that made you dangerous, wrong, evil.
There is a theory that being right handed was beneficial to us, when we weilded swords and spears.
We would use our right hand to hold our weapon, and our left to hold the shield over our hearts.
Left handed people throw themselves in, heart first :)
There is a theory that being right handed was beneficial to us, when we weilded swords and spears.
We would use our right hand to hold our weapon, and our left to hold the shield over our hearts.
Left handed people throw themselves in, heart first :)
Different.
Predators are drawn to attack an animal that is different in some way. Hans Kruuk, whilst studying hyenas, found that putting paint on an animal guaranteed it would be killed in the next attack.
So is the power of difference.
The lesson is; Stay together. Stay the same.
But where's the fun in that?
So is the power of difference.
The lesson is; Stay together. Stay the same.
But where's the fun in that?
Self Knowledge
"It's very rare to find genuine self knowledge. It's almost as if you need someone else to tell you who you are, or to hold the mirror up for you. Which, if you think about it, is very weird.
Or maybe it's not."
Or maybe it's not."
3/07/2010
Ganja Necklace
Whenever someone (at present 'someone' always being a male) is greatly special to me, I give them a ganja necklace. Not because I like weed, in fact. I just happened to make a habit of it.
Why do we give special people our clothes, and trinkets? How can they mean so much?
Why do we give special people our clothes, and trinkets? How can they mean so much?
2/26/2010
Lion love.
Leo is a hard character. Most people he uses, for self gain.
But Giacomo, he loves. That's hard, to make my lion love someone.
When he does, that's forever - 'cause it's not just half of me loving. Leo and I are one, and if we both love you, it's stronger than anything.
But Giacomo, he loves. That's hard, to make my lion love someone.
When he does, that's forever - 'cause it's not just half of me loving. Leo and I are one, and if we both love you, it's stronger than anything.
2/25/2010
Alter ego.
So recently people have been questioning my morals, I'm currently morally grey, when I preach goodness.
It's Leo. When I'm hurt, he comes to the fore and he is more ruthless than I am.
As much as he does bad - he protects me, when you're exposed, you need strength and I'll always have him.
It's Leo. When I'm hurt, he comes to the fore and he is more ruthless than I am.
As much as he does bad - he protects me, when you're exposed, you need strength and I'll always have him.
2/17/2010
My new favourite word !
Discombobulating.
Discombobulate - to throw into a state of confusion
How ripping.
Discombobulate - to throw into a state of confusion
How ripping.
2/16/2010
Della
So I was talking to my lovely councelor called Della, and she asked me what I'd change about my life, if I could..
I sat there for a good few minutes thinking hard and said, 'Nothing.'
I don't think she heard that from people often, because she raised her eyebrows and said 'That's uncommon'
'Do you think you're attractive?'
'Yes, I think so. I always have.'
'Not many think that about themselves. You have amazing eyes, and a delicate chin; You are very attractive'
I just looked down, smiled and didn't say anything.
'Does your mother tell you you're attractive?'
'No. She said I wasn't that bad, but I could do better.'
'And your father?'
'He said I can get a boyfriend if I want, because I'm attractive. He said it in a matter-of-fact way'
'Yes, you seem to be the type to be able to get someone at a snap of the fingers, but I don't understand where your confidence stems, when your parents don't reassure you..'
Yeah. I don't either.
I sat there for a good few minutes thinking hard and said, 'Nothing.'
I don't think she heard that from people often, because she raised her eyebrows and said 'That's uncommon'
'Do you think you're attractive?'
'Yes, I think so. I always have.'
'Not many think that about themselves. You have amazing eyes, and a delicate chin; You are very attractive'
I just looked down, smiled and didn't say anything.
'Does your mother tell you you're attractive?'
'No. She said I wasn't that bad, but I could do better.'
'And your father?'
'He said I can get a boyfriend if I want, because I'm attractive. He said it in a matter-of-fact way'
'Yes, you seem to be the type to be able to get someone at a snap of the fingers, but I don't understand where your confidence stems, when your parents don't reassure you..'
Yeah. I don't either.
2/12/2010
Forgiveness & Change.
So I was thinking about people who have been alienated in their own friendship groups, and been forgiven after. Some people who have done these things, they're not suited to us anymore as we grow and change over years and years.
Then I looked at old friends I had, people I know who changed schools and just changed, and it scared me, in case someone else left, and i missed them
but then.. I thought maybe they changed so much over time they were never being themselves round their friends, and this new place, they could be that, so they liked it better.
I think we forgive some people, out of familiarity.
Then I looked at old friends I had, people I know who changed schools and just changed, and it scared me, in case someone else left, and i missed them
but then.. I thought maybe they changed so much over time they were never being themselves round their friends, and this new place, they could be that, so they liked it better.
I think we forgive some people, out of familiarity.
2/09/2010
Venus Fly-Trap.
"If a key opens lots of locks, it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock. " Is a saying, which validates boys' ability to sleep with lots of girls and not be a manwhore and become a ledge, and also a claim that girls are skets if they sleep with lots of boys.
Jackshit.
I think it is an african proverb that a boy sees a statue of a man standing over a lion, and he asks his father
'Why does the man slay the Lion, when we are all so afraid of him?'
'It will always be so, my son, until Lions can make their own statues.'
In a society where men have slight superiority, which perhaps is enjoyed by females, the opening of doors, and the stopping of cars, bills being payed etc, it will be seen as females can be tools, but I think an intelligent person who is open to the idea of sex can see it as working both ways.
It is a good venus fly-trap which catches all the flies. It's a foolish fly and a smashingly evolved plant.
The plants needs are fed at the expense of the fly, but flies aren't as gifted, they might not see it that way, they smell the sweet scents that instinctively draw them, then feel lucky for a taste.
The same goes with roses, and foxgloves, and tulips, the bees and the hummingbirds swarm to the nectars.
It's all in your perspective.
Jackshit.
I think it is an african proverb that a boy sees a statue of a man standing over a lion, and he asks his father
'Why does the man slay the Lion, when we are all so afraid of him?'
'It will always be so, my son, until Lions can make their own statues.'
In a society where men have slight superiority, which perhaps is enjoyed by females, the opening of doors, and the stopping of cars, bills being payed etc, it will be seen as females can be tools, but I think an intelligent person who is open to the idea of sex can see it as working both ways.
It is a good venus fly-trap which catches all the flies. It's a foolish fly and a smashingly evolved plant.
The plants needs are fed at the expense of the fly, but flies aren't as gifted, they might not see it that way, they smell the sweet scents that instinctively draw them, then feel lucky for a taste.
The same goes with roses, and foxgloves, and tulips, the bees and the hummingbirds swarm to the nectars.
It's all in your perspective.
2/07/2010
What is it good for?
Love, love, love. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
There is no such thing as love, only sex and lies.
I don't believe all that, but it's so hard to keep believing, when all love ever seems to do is end.
Sometimes life's too hard, because what I need is always out of reach, because love is better than life.
But I have hope, always that there's something, waiting always.
There is no such thing as love, only sex and lies.
I don't believe all that, but it's so hard to keep believing, when all love ever seems to do is end.
Sometimes life's too hard, because what I need is always out of reach, because love is better than life.
But I have hope, always that there's something, waiting always.
Bisexual.
I love boys, okay making that clear.
I like girls.
Bisexual is open minded, its best of both worlds, its fun.
I'll do 'stuff' with either, but I've never been able to love girls. Maybe I just haven't found the one.
I'd feel bad if a girl loved me, 'cause I'm not sure if I could love her back, without being really really close, and always with her.
Girls are crueller than boys, girls confuse me more, and less at the same time, I never got on so well with girls as boys.
Because the subjects hushed up, I never know if a girl truely likes me, so I can't pursue it.
They'll kiss me at night in secret, and never speak of it, yet it was so willingly and they were enjoying it.
I can't be bothered to chase a girl, so I carry on.
It's just a bit of fun.
I like girls.
Bisexual is open minded, its best of both worlds, its fun.
I'll do 'stuff' with either, but I've never been able to love girls. Maybe I just haven't found the one.
I'd feel bad if a girl loved me, 'cause I'm not sure if I could love her back, without being really really close, and always with her.
Girls are crueller than boys, girls confuse me more, and less at the same time, I never got on so well with girls as boys.
Because the subjects hushed up, I never know if a girl truely likes me, so I can't pursue it.
They'll kiss me at night in secret, and never speak of it, yet it was so willingly and they were enjoying it.
I can't be bothered to chase a girl, so I carry on.
It's just a bit of fun.
The procrastinator.
I always put things off, I'll do it later. It's always last minute.
Very rarely do I jump up and DO THINGS. If I do, it's important, it matters.
If I ever do that for a person, by jove. They're special.
Very rarely do I jump up and DO THINGS. If I do, it's important, it matters.
If I ever do that for a person, by jove. They're special.
2/06/2010
Ephiphany.
I've just realised what I did.
I held onto my love and never truely gave it all, and then sorrowfully realising, gave all my love in one focus.
Neither works, by the way. (At least it didn't pour moi)
Everything you see works together in a delicate balance, and as King, you need to understand that balance and respect that balance, from the crawling ant, to the leaping antelope.
But Dad, don't we eat the antelope?
Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass, and so we are all connected in the Great Circle of Life.
Basically, I now think perhaps, you have to balance your love more evenly, and if you love too much, direct it at other things you love.
I held onto my love and never truely gave it all, and then sorrowfully realising, gave all my love in one focus.
Neither works, by the way. (At least it didn't pour moi)
Everything you see works together in a delicate balance, and as King, you need to understand that balance and respect that balance, from the crawling ant, to the leaping antelope.
But Dad, don't we eat the antelope?
Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass, and so we are all connected in the Great Circle of Life.
Basically, I now think perhaps, you have to balance your love more evenly, and if you love too much, direct it at other things you love.
I'm a little sly.
When you want something bad enough, you can have it.
I'll take it.
By god, I will be underhand.
I'll take it.
By god, I will be underhand.
I would like...
I've decided when I grow up, I want a classic red mini <3
and wait for it.....
a dalmation puppy :D
2/05/2010
Faking it?
If people really love each other, monumetal give your life love, you keep fighting for them, don't you?
If they're special, you make sure you're the one with them, and if you believe you're not good enough, you don't leave them; You change.
Love isn't easy, it's one of the hardest things we do.
So you have to keep trying, you can't give up...
I don't see that in people.
People give up.
WHY!?
If they're special, you make sure you're the one with them, and if you believe you're not good enough, you don't leave them; You change.
Love isn't easy, it's one of the hardest things we do.
So you have to keep trying, you can't give up...
I don't see that in people.
People give up.
WHY!?
2/02/2010
Things I'm told..
Someone said to me recently (an older woman) that the way I was going, I'd leave a dent in the world, I leave an impression on people I touch, it seems.
People say I'm nice, I love, I am amazing.
I've thought it of myself, but I can see it in everyone else.
Not just things like strength, bravery, belief..
Everyones born with it, everyone forgets how pleasurable life is,
I think it's there in subconscious, and so we cling to life fiercely,
The pleasure of being part of matter, to enjoy the scents, and the feel of everything in the world, see all of the colours and every sound that tickles your ear, it can be pleasurable, if you remember to think about it,
but people don't think that, they forget what amazing beings they are, how their skin can heal itself, and they look for other pleasures.
The natural pleasures are best.
The senses.
Food.
Sleeping.
Sex.
Life is good.
People say I'm nice, I love, I am amazing.
I've thought it of myself, but I can see it in everyone else.
Not just things like strength, bravery, belief..
Everyones born with it, everyone forgets how pleasurable life is,
I think it's there in subconscious, and so we cling to life fiercely,
The pleasure of being part of matter, to enjoy the scents, and the feel of everything in the world, see all of the colours and every sound that tickles your ear, it can be pleasurable, if you remember to think about it,
but people don't think that, they forget what amazing beings they are, how their skin can heal itself, and they look for other pleasures.
The natural pleasures are best.
The senses.
Food.
Sleeping.
Sex.
Life is good.
I don't understand cynics.
How can you be so distrusting? How can you not believe in dreams, and love and idealisms? :/
I wonder, if they have loved before and been hurt from it, losing their faith, or only never felt it, and so don't believe its existance.
Why do you want to shatter my dreaaams
The little green lizard (To anyone who reads Oscar Wilde) was harsh to mock the Students dream. In a different world, that we are capable of making, the Rose could have made love blossom.
I'm an optimist ! Can you tell?
I think I may look back at this in 10 years and think..
'How naive I was'
I wonder, if they have loved before and been hurt from it, losing their faith, or only never felt it, and so don't believe its existance.
Why do you want to shatter my dreaaams
The little green lizard (To anyone who reads Oscar Wilde) was harsh to mock the Students dream. In a different world, that we are capable of making, the Rose could have made love blossom.
I'm an optimist ! Can you tell?
I think I may look back at this in 10 years and think..
'How naive I was'
There's only room for one(unless they're a lion.)
I love myself, and Leo.
As boisterous as he is, he's a part of me.
Possesive and proud, but loyal and strong.
I met a Lion, with strength to match my own,
I think eventually I was the stronger one, but not because of our beasts, but for love, and love gives you the greatest strength, and this Lion knew not how to so well.
But here was an alpha, and an alpha needs one of its own kind to love with equal measure,
an alpha and omega, or even beta, they'd be used and destroyed.. regardless of how much you didn't want it to happen.
Lions usually rule alone.
Sometimes as a pair, but two Lions as we were...
We fought bitterly, out of dominance at first, and then..
Dominance became a facade, we fought out of love,
Behind the fights, low rumbling and soft purrs, and roars of joy when we were in a louder mood.
Trust, and affection, to rule together, maybe because had we not loved, we'd destroy each other,
maybe we loved out of neccessity. Both Lions needed to love and be loved.
With this love we reluctantly granted, after we put our pride and egos away, we ruled.
People wonder, how can that be love? They only hurt each other.
No, we gave each other complete reassurance, shared our strength, to become greater beasts.
I would say it was the Lions in us who fought, and the boy and the girl who loved, but no
the Lions loved each other too, they saw in each other, kindred.
Not many appreciate dominance, survival of the fittest, the brutality of life and reign. Of which I believe in.
No one else have I loved with such passion, but no one has truly captured the heart of my lion before.
I wonder if it is because I needed a Lion.
I wonder what I'd feel, if my lion met a lamb.
As boisterous as he is, he's a part of me.
Possesive and proud, but loyal and strong.
I met a Lion, with strength to match my own,
I think eventually I was the stronger one, but not because of our beasts, but for love, and love gives you the greatest strength, and this Lion knew not how to so well.
But here was an alpha, and an alpha needs one of its own kind to love with equal measure,
an alpha and omega, or even beta, they'd be used and destroyed.. regardless of how much you didn't want it to happen.
Lions usually rule alone.
Sometimes as a pair, but two Lions as we were...
We fought bitterly, out of dominance at first, and then..
Dominance became a facade, we fought out of love,
Behind the fights, low rumbling and soft purrs, and roars of joy when we were in a louder mood.
Trust, and affection, to rule together, maybe because had we not loved, we'd destroy each other,
maybe we loved out of neccessity. Both Lions needed to love and be loved.
With this love we reluctantly granted, after we put our pride and egos away, we ruled.
People wonder, how can that be love? They only hurt each other.
No, we gave each other complete reassurance, shared our strength, to become greater beasts.
I would say it was the Lions in us who fought, and the boy and the girl who loved, but no
the Lions loved each other too, they saw in each other, kindred.
Not many appreciate dominance, survival of the fittest, the brutality of life and reign. Of which I believe in.
No one else have I loved with such passion, but no one has truly captured the heart of my lion before.
I wonder if it is because I needed a Lion.
I wonder what I'd feel, if my lion met a lamb.
The clash.
Sometimes I wish I could escape from England, much as I love it so,
The divide between my worlds is large, and it seems Thailand is my true escape, wherever I go there,
The sandy beaches, with rocks to climb and deep dark blueish turquoise water, the little crabs that scuttle into their holes as you walk near, the warmth of the sand you lie on, the sun always always kissing your skin, and when it rains, its a warm shower.
At hottest its 35 degrees C and lowest about 10
I'm never cold, the sun lifts my heart, I was built for this. At the hottest time of year there is the water festival Songkran. My brothers and I, along with our friends, would put a plastic barrel into the back of our truck, pull out the hose and fill it up, we drive along and throw the water at everyone. Whoever your enemies are, or your friends, for those few days, it doesnt matter. You throw it at them, a national game. It's all light hearted, and the boys like the excuse to put Bang (talcum powder like substance) on your face and draw their names.
There are parties that fill our whole street, and we grill fish, and roast whole piglets, we play the music loud as we like, and everyone gets smashed. The women begin their shameful kareoke and the men talk louder and louder, while we play and start fires, and hid in the junkyard.
Everyone is taught how to make a raft out of banana leaf, to float candles over the nearest water source, called Loy Kratong.
You light your candle, and you let it float away, your sins are meant to go with it.
The streets I walk smell like hot concrete, and food cooking everywhere, people always look, they smile at me, you can talk to a stranger with ease.
The beaches are calm, your worries float away..
And the jungles are like nothing else. Monkeys and Tigers roam our jungles, and we rule it all. We run around, we make our own paths, we climb everything, no need to watch our step, because we were born for this. A westener would trip over the winding roots of the trees, they'd be afraid of the animals, theyd slip on the rocks of the waterfall, but we know this is a playground, and we will never get hurt.
The freedom of being there, nothing compares, you feel so at one with the world, like this is where you fit, this is home. You can feel the life here, and it accepts you as its own.
The divide between my worlds is large, and it seems Thailand is my true escape, wherever I go there,
The sandy beaches, with rocks to climb and deep dark blueish turquoise water, the little crabs that scuttle into their holes as you walk near, the warmth of the sand you lie on, the sun always always kissing your skin, and when it rains, its a warm shower.
At hottest its 35 degrees C and lowest about 10
I'm never cold, the sun lifts my heart, I was built for this. At the hottest time of year there is the water festival Songkran. My brothers and I, along with our friends, would put a plastic barrel into the back of our truck, pull out the hose and fill it up, we drive along and throw the water at everyone. Whoever your enemies are, or your friends, for those few days, it doesnt matter. You throw it at them, a national game. It's all light hearted, and the boys like the excuse to put Bang (talcum powder like substance) on your face and draw their names.
There are parties that fill our whole street, and we grill fish, and roast whole piglets, we play the music loud as we like, and everyone gets smashed. The women begin their shameful kareoke and the men talk louder and louder, while we play and start fires, and hid in the junkyard.
Everyone is taught how to make a raft out of banana leaf, to float candles over the nearest water source, called Loy Kratong.
You light your candle, and you let it float away, your sins are meant to go with it.
The streets I walk smell like hot concrete, and food cooking everywhere, people always look, they smile at me, you can talk to a stranger with ease.
The beaches are calm, your worries float away..
And the jungles are like nothing else. Monkeys and Tigers roam our jungles, and we rule it all. We run around, we make our own paths, we climb everything, no need to watch our step, because we were born for this. A westener would trip over the winding roots of the trees, they'd be afraid of the animals, theyd slip on the rocks of the waterfall, but we know this is a playground, and we will never get hurt.
The freedom of being there, nothing compares, you feel so at one with the world, like this is where you fit, this is home. You can feel the life here, and it accepts you as its own.
Caro mio, Ti amo ..ad mortem.
My heart is full of love for Caro, and always will.
I lie in wait, under the accacia tree, for my Lion to find me, when he feels the call.
Its all I can do,
I can't run out onto the savannah, for what dangers are out there, and no promise of finding him on my own, he knows where to look for me.
I don't think I've ever felt a love like this before..
I lie in wait, under the accacia tree, for my Lion to find me, when he feels the call.
Its all I can do,
I can't run out onto the savannah, for what dangers are out there, and no promise of finding him on my own, he knows where to look for me.
I don't think I've ever felt a love like this before..
Simba's Pride/ Dreams/Wishes
All a Lion has, is his Pride.
A Lion's whole life is to rule a great pride, because a pride means strength and safety for life.
I will always love and protect my pride, for Leo.
Your friends who are there to fall back on, your friends who you fight for, in any situation,
your friends who love you and accept you as you are.
Then there's a girl, who falls in love with a boy.
What is there greater than that?
'Birth of passion in the hearts of man and maid, a love that is perfected by death, love that dies not in the tomb.'
The love that lasts a lifetime, that's meant to be,
the love of two tombstones side by side.
Perhaps I'm naive.
But I want to learn that for myself, 'cause I believe if you're a true lover,
unselfish, and trusting, always understanding....
It's possible, it's not just a dream, it's not just a fairytale.
We make our dreams with our mind, our mind which is based in logic,
we are human, we are survivors, we can make dreams reality, if only we believe we can.
Hate is easy, Love takes courage,
You get trouble either way, but Love takes letting people in, accepting the hurt, for the promise, of the blossoms of something beautiful.
Love takes getting caught in the middle..
A Lion's whole life is to rule a great pride, because a pride means strength and safety for life.
I will always love and protect my pride, for Leo.
Your friends who are there to fall back on, your friends who you fight for, in any situation,
your friends who love you and accept you as you are.
Then there's a girl, who falls in love with a boy.
What is there greater than that?
'Birth of passion in the hearts of man and maid, a love that is perfected by death, love that dies not in the tomb.'
The love that lasts a lifetime, that's meant to be,
the love of two tombstones side by side.
Perhaps I'm naive.
But I want to learn that for myself, 'cause I believe if you're a true lover,
unselfish, and trusting, always understanding....
It's possible, it's not just a dream, it's not just a fairytale.
We make our dreams with our mind, our mind which is based in logic,
we are human, we are survivors, we can make dreams reality, if only we believe we can.
Hate is easy, Love takes courage,
You get trouble either way, but Love takes letting people in, accepting the hurt, for the promise, of the blossoms of something beautiful.
Love takes getting caught in the middle..
2/01/2010
Blood ties.
You know how your family INFURIATES YOU BEYOND BELIEF, no one else is such an ANNOYING cow as people in your family, they annoy you so much you just want to smack them, SWEET CONNECTION TO THEIR FACE AND YOU CAN NEVER GET RID OF THE BASTARDS!? And... In a way, you dont want to get rid of them.
I mean you can really really dislike your family, all the time, no one can make you feel so vexed..
but you love them, and you always will.
No matter what.
If someone tells you not to see your family again, because they're bad, they hurt you, or they're not a good family, in most cases, fuck that.
It's your family, and you don't let anyone take that away from you.
Your brother might say some awful things, and get himself into trouble, and hurt you, and call you names, and annoy you, you just want to throw a frying pan at him..
but you love him all the same,
all the hurt you put each other through, its misdirected perhaps, but its still out of love.
Whatever they do, you'll stand up for them. They're family. You can't change family, even if you wish it.
Some families don't have this kind of love, but they're fewer, and I don't understand them.
That is how I love Caro.
No, we are not blood, but if I had awoken from a coma, I'd feel it like we were.
He's so foolish. No one annoys me like him, aside from my own family.
I wish that he didn't draw me back, but he does, because he is as good as blood.
You can't change that.. Imagine someone trying to split you and your Dad up, or taking you from your Mum, and your siblings, its like that. You cannot break bonds like that, you don't understand how they are so strong, but they are.
It's a strange connection, like its meant to be, even if it doesn't fit within the lines of what is right and good, it is how it is, a different love. A kiss with a fist.
Why try and fight it? I did..
epic fail.
"Why run? You know I'll catch you. Your mine, Cara."
I mean you can really really dislike your family, all the time, no one can make you feel so vexed..
but you love them, and you always will.
No matter what.
If someone tells you not to see your family again, because they're bad, they hurt you, or they're not a good family, in most cases, fuck that.
It's your family, and you don't let anyone take that away from you.
Your brother might say some awful things, and get himself into trouble, and hurt you, and call you names, and annoy you, you just want to throw a frying pan at him..
but you love him all the same,
all the hurt you put each other through, its misdirected perhaps, but its still out of love.
Whatever they do, you'll stand up for them. They're family. You can't change family, even if you wish it.
Some families don't have this kind of love, but they're fewer, and I don't understand them.
That is how I love Caro.
No, we are not blood, but if I had awoken from a coma, I'd feel it like we were.
He's so foolish. No one annoys me like him, aside from my own family.
I wish that he didn't draw me back, but he does, because he is as good as blood.
You can't change that.. Imagine someone trying to split you and your Dad up, or taking you from your Mum, and your siblings, its like that. You cannot break bonds like that, you don't understand how they are so strong, but they are.
It's a strange connection, like its meant to be, even if it doesn't fit within the lines of what is right and good, it is how it is, a different love. A kiss with a fist.
Why try and fight it? I did..
epic fail.
"Why run? You know I'll catch you. Your mine, Cara."
1/31/2010
Sweet escape
When I sleep, and dream, nothing matters.
Once before, after heartbreak I had terrible nightmares, but it seems they made me stronger and now sleep is only an escape.
I can sleep for ages, and almost anywhere.
When I wake up, reality is harsh..
Charlemagne could be an escape from the bad,
I think I rebel too much, because I can.
Maybe for once I need someone to keep 'me' good.
I wonder what would happen if I did..
Once before, after heartbreak I had terrible nightmares, but it seems they made me stronger and now sleep is only an escape.
I can sleep for ages, and almost anywhere.
When I wake up, reality is harsh..
Charlemagne could be an escape from the bad,
I think I rebel too much, because I can.
Maybe for once I need someone to keep 'me' good.
I wonder what would happen if I did..
Why am I like this?
Buggeration. I can't lose my Shumba for my love of Giacomo.
I spoke to him last night, and learnt a few points.
He cannot love properly.
He loves only his Father truely
and me? He doesn't know.. I'm different. Special. He loves me and yet refuses to explain.
He hates himself, he thinks he is worthless, and wants to fade.
Because of his hatred, he purposely wants people to hate him and hurt him.
I love my Shumba.
And anyone who looks at us would see it easily.
I'd do about anything for Shumba,
but I've never felt Shumba has trusted me or opened up as they could.
Shumba has always always been a mystery to me,
sometimes I feel like I'm not there, or I'm just annoying.
Anyone I love, I wish for Shumba to approve of.
Of everyone I've met, of few do I understand so well, and few have I seen with such beautiful a nature,
Giacomo has buried the beauty of his nature down,
Of everyone, I thought I could bring that back out in him,
And for a nature so beautiful, the cost of doing so should be worth it,
I don't mind hurt it would inflict upon me,
When someone has no faith in themselves, thinks they are nothing special, not worthy of anything,
if you knew different, if you could make them see...
Wouldn't you show them otherwise?
Love them unconditionally, and believe in them no matter what.
It always comes back to Shumba and my Pride.
I love them, and I can't lose them.
Giacomo is and always will be a part of my pride, in that I will always watch over him,
and any other in my pride who was lost and hurt, I would follow just the same.
They think I don't love them but I do,
They have no idea what I'd do if I lost them,
But I can't stop doing what is in my nature,
What I believe in.
Sometimes I wish I could let go, for it'd be easier, to abandon one, and let them find their own lessons,
but I'm not like that, I can't abandon Giacomo.
I spoke to him last night, and learnt a few points.
He cannot love properly.
He loves only his Father truely
and me? He doesn't know.. I'm different. Special. He loves me and yet refuses to explain.
He hates himself, he thinks he is worthless, and wants to fade.
Because of his hatred, he purposely wants people to hate him and hurt him.
I love my Shumba.
And anyone who looks at us would see it easily.
I'd do about anything for Shumba,
but I've never felt Shumba has trusted me or opened up as they could.
Shumba has always always been a mystery to me,
sometimes I feel like I'm not there, or I'm just annoying.
Anyone I love, I wish for Shumba to approve of.
Of everyone I've met, of few do I understand so well, and few have I seen with such beautiful a nature,
Giacomo has buried the beauty of his nature down,
Of everyone, I thought I could bring that back out in him,
And for a nature so beautiful, the cost of doing so should be worth it,
I don't mind hurt it would inflict upon me,
When someone has no faith in themselves, thinks they are nothing special, not worthy of anything,
if you knew different, if you could make them see...
Wouldn't you show them otherwise?
Love them unconditionally, and believe in them no matter what.
It always comes back to Shumba and my Pride.
I love them, and I can't lose them.
Giacomo is and always will be a part of my pride, in that I will always watch over him,
and any other in my pride who was lost and hurt, I would follow just the same.
They think I don't love them but I do,
They have no idea what I'd do if I lost them,
But I can't stop doing what is in my nature,
What I believe in.
Sometimes I wish I could let go, for it'd be easier, to abandon one, and let them find their own lessons,
but I'm not like that, I can't abandon Giacomo.
1/30/2010
In love with a thug.
My oldest half sister married a thugish man. Mr Bowpitt.
He beat her, but she was too afraid to leave him. For her daughters sake too, my almost-sister, Claire. Because her Father had sexually abused his daughter from his last marriage.
So my Dad hired a van, drove round and picked up them and their stuff.
He took them to a hotel then came back home.
He came looking for them at my Dad's house, Daddy told him to go before the police came.
Daddy helped them settle into their own house.
That night two thugs came into a bar and said,
'Hey, your name Bowpitt?'
'Yeah,'
'Come here, got something for you'
They beat him to a pulp outside.
Never come back to Biggleswade, or we'll kill you.
People will do so much for a bottle of whiskey.
He beat her, but she was too afraid to leave him. For her daughters sake too, my almost-sister, Claire. Because her Father had sexually abused his daughter from his last marriage.
So my Dad hired a van, drove round and picked up them and their stuff.
He took them to a hotel then came back home.
He came looking for them at my Dad's house, Daddy told him to go before the police came.
Daddy helped them settle into their own house.
That night two thugs came into a bar and said,
'Hey, your name Bowpitt?'
'Yeah,'
'Come here, got something for you'
They beat him to a pulp outside.
Never come back to Biggleswade, or we'll kill you.
People will do so much for a bottle of whiskey.
:/
I think something that saddens me more than anything is just how much I love my father, and yet how we are so distant now.
He's getting old. I'm his 5th daughter, and I can see him weakening from how I first remember him.
I'm so afraid he'll die, I don't know how I'd cope. The mere thought breaks me down.
More than my Granny Mary, more than my brother, Nui.
I love George Brian Leslie so much. He's my idol, my hero. Everything I look up to, all that i've learnt, about how to be, I'm never ashamed to say I love him,
but it isnt as plain as it used to be,
We used to have such conversations, about the Darwin awards, the animal kingdom, quantum physics, chemistry, cloning, genetics, politics, history, everything.
He took me to so many countries, and taught me about every one, he sat me on his shoulders until I was 7.
I've seen the world with that man.
Now I love drama, and boys, and tea, and gossip. Things he doesn't like. I don't know how to open up anymore. It's like I don't have the time for chess games and science, I wish I did.
I miss him, and I think it's my own fault. But its just growing up...
I can't talk to him about love... He think's its foolish, but its all I believe.
I don't want him to die, and to have wasted this time I have, when he's here.
I want to protect him so much.
His life is 100 times more amazing than mine.
He's a genius. He was in Mensa. He published his first scientific paper in (I forget the name) but in this particular magazine, its hard to publish you first paper. If you do, youre likely to be on the way to a nobel prize. He published his first two in it.
He was good friends with Knights and other nobel prize winners. He was a well respected scientist, and wrote two books.
He's funny. He's the head of our family. He's always told jokes and stories. He's always defended his family.
He's my Daddy.
He's getting old. I'm his 5th daughter, and I can see him weakening from how I first remember him.
I'm so afraid he'll die, I don't know how I'd cope. The mere thought breaks me down.
More than my Granny Mary, more than my brother, Nui.
I love George Brian Leslie so much. He's my idol, my hero. Everything I look up to, all that i've learnt, about how to be, I'm never ashamed to say I love him,
but it isnt as plain as it used to be,
We used to have such conversations, about the Darwin awards, the animal kingdom, quantum physics, chemistry, cloning, genetics, politics, history, everything.
He took me to so many countries, and taught me about every one, he sat me on his shoulders until I was 7.
I've seen the world with that man.
Now I love drama, and boys, and tea, and gossip. Things he doesn't like. I don't know how to open up anymore. It's like I don't have the time for chess games and science, I wish I did.
I miss him, and I think it's my own fault. But its just growing up...
I can't talk to him about love... He think's its foolish, but its all I believe.
I don't want him to die, and to have wasted this time I have, when he's here.
I want to protect him so much.
His life is 100 times more amazing than mine.
He's a genius. He was in Mensa. He published his first scientific paper in (I forget the name) but in this particular magazine, its hard to publish you first paper. If you do, youre likely to be on the way to a nobel prize. He published his first two in it.
He was good friends with Knights and other nobel prize winners. He was a well respected scientist, and wrote two books.
He's funny. He's the head of our family. He's always told jokes and stories. He's always defended his family.
He's my Daddy.
The Tale of Giacomo.
I know I can't tell it like he does (I don't know him half as well), his story wasn't linked with mine, but for the story, that continues, we are intwined.
This is how I see it from my eyes.
(Yeah, I know you all know who it is anyway.)
One day, a long time after a heartbreak, I left the cinema from watching a film, happily surprised. We decided to sit down, and we met three boys. I was afraid to speak, for I was shy and untrusting. Especially at Giacomo. He was beautiful, like the statue of a Lion. I was too afraid to touch it. He looked so real, if he came alive, he'd strike me dead. Attractive people I do not trust, at first.
I left, and he became real, and genuine.
I found that my heart was willing to open at any affection. My trust came slower, but surely.
I thought (from my instincts, ever trustworthy) he was a player. I was right. But I wanted that Lion, and with my head, and my heart focused on having that Lion. I pursued.
He escaped quickly, but my Lion came back.
Paladin, loved me greatly at this point, the real genuine love I trusted, and yet, he told me too late. He told me when the Lion had come back.
What is the love of a man, to the beauty of a Lion?
The part of me that wanted to be free, leave the hard memories, followed Giacomo.
This hurt Paladin, to see me run with a Lion. I thought he wouldn't be able to bear it, and I'd lose my great friendship.
Giacomo was not all beauty. Yes the lights draw me, but I always empathise with the person, and the beast. Once I know them, I love all.
Perhaps my open love, spurred some reciprocation, perhaps the challenge of Paladin, or both.
It was about now I began to see a part of Giacomo's story.
There was sadness in his life, and suicidal thoughts. Bullies of his weight. His parents being perhaps too hard on him. A craving for love and acceptance, that I would always oblige.
I had faith in him, and it seemed enough to stop him.
I went away for a while, back to my other world. I missed Giacomo, but apparently it was too great for him to be away from me. Maybe that was a lie or an excuse. He wasn't my Lion then.
Upon my return, Paladin was waiting, with open arms and promises of everything I've ever wanted. So if I didn't have my Lion, which I was proud of, and loved, regardless of risk. I had real love.
Those days I was happy, being read stories and romance and such, but I was in love with the idea of Paladin, and not what he was. What he was is my friend, and I will always love him as such.
Giacomo seemed hurt by me and Paladin. Paladin only mocked Giacomo for it, to me.
Giacomo still spoke to me, and Paladin only told me how to make him 'love me' ..
I had been invited into Paladin's home, and was welcomed, but I felt so out of place, it wasn't right. I didn't belong here. I didn't connect with any of them. I hid behind Paladin.
Giacomo threatened me, he said he would have me, and I wanted it, I just didn't know it. And what no one knows, but what captured me was when he said 'You're mine, Cara.' And it was all, he was my Caro, and I was almost certainly his. Hearing it from him, Paladin shook in anger. Rage. But I told Paladin, Giacomo never would.
Yet I looked for him the next day anyways, and I found him.
He tried to convince me into sleeping with him, and golly gosh I'm a loyal beast, I hit that boy hard, to show my disapproval. But how can you keep hitting a Lion so beautiful? In a moment, I forgot myself, and unlike it was with Paladin, it felt right. Like I belonged.
The day after still, I saw Paladin, and I only craved my Lion, this proved that Giacomo was right.
I would have told Paladin that night, things could fall into place, but Giacomo appeared.
He hurt my Paladin, and Paladin ran away. From more than one kind of pain.
That night when he knew what I had done, he stopped talking and has never spoken since, despite my efforts, he hates me, and I will always love him.
Then began a time where I learnt about Giacomo, his parents chess game with Giacomo as the pawn.
Bullies, gangs, drugs to escape his pain, and violence.
Yet it seemed I could always protect him from it with belief and love
I was happy. I think it was a good time, with little friction.
Memories flicker, but the worst thing of all is, he's gone, and now I must retain my memories, even if its harder to recover, I can't forget.
I think it was my fault. I was foolish to think I could love a Lion and keep it.
He runs further away everyday.
Escaping in any outlet. From his pain, from being alone, and pushing everyone away, because people are afraid to love Lions, they don't understand them, they fear them, they hate them,
I'll say less on this part, but,
I believe in my Lion, they are brave and strong, more than they realise.
If the Lion knew his own strength, no man could stop him.
Giacomo is better than people realise, secret things I see..
Writing, poetry, art, reading, a beautiful nature
and a capacity for love,
Only weighed down by misfortune and poor judgement
I've said too much.
This is how I see it from my eyes.
(Yeah, I know you all know who it is anyway.)
One day, a long time after a heartbreak, I left the cinema from watching a film, happily surprised. We decided to sit down, and we met three boys. I was afraid to speak, for I was shy and untrusting. Especially at Giacomo. He was beautiful, like the statue of a Lion. I was too afraid to touch it. He looked so real, if he came alive, he'd strike me dead. Attractive people I do not trust, at first.
I left, and he became real, and genuine.
I found that my heart was willing to open at any affection. My trust came slower, but surely.
I thought (from my instincts, ever trustworthy) he was a player. I was right. But I wanted that Lion, and with my head, and my heart focused on having that Lion. I pursued.
He escaped quickly, but my Lion came back.
Paladin, loved me greatly at this point, the real genuine love I trusted, and yet, he told me too late. He told me when the Lion had come back.
What is the love of a man, to the beauty of a Lion?
The part of me that wanted to be free, leave the hard memories, followed Giacomo.
This hurt Paladin, to see me run with a Lion. I thought he wouldn't be able to bear it, and I'd lose my great friendship.
Giacomo was not all beauty. Yes the lights draw me, but I always empathise with the person, and the beast. Once I know them, I love all.
Perhaps my open love, spurred some reciprocation, perhaps the challenge of Paladin, or both.
It was about now I began to see a part of Giacomo's story.
There was sadness in his life, and suicidal thoughts. Bullies of his weight. His parents being perhaps too hard on him. A craving for love and acceptance, that I would always oblige.
I had faith in him, and it seemed enough to stop him.
I went away for a while, back to my other world. I missed Giacomo, but apparently it was too great for him to be away from me. Maybe that was a lie or an excuse. He wasn't my Lion then.
Upon my return, Paladin was waiting, with open arms and promises of everything I've ever wanted. So if I didn't have my Lion, which I was proud of, and loved, regardless of risk. I had real love.
Those days I was happy, being read stories and romance and such, but I was in love with the idea of Paladin, and not what he was. What he was is my friend, and I will always love him as such.
Giacomo seemed hurt by me and Paladin. Paladin only mocked Giacomo for it, to me.
Giacomo still spoke to me, and Paladin only told me how to make him 'love me' ..
I had been invited into Paladin's home, and was welcomed, but I felt so out of place, it wasn't right. I didn't belong here. I didn't connect with any of them. I hid behind Paladin.
Giacomo threatened me, he said he would have me, and I wanted it, I just didn't know it. And what no one knows, but what captured me was when he said 'You're mine, Cara.' And it was all, he was my Caro, and I was almost certainly his. Hearing it from him, Paladin shook in anger. Rage. But I told Paladin, Giacomo never would.
Yet I looked for him the next day anyways, and I found him.
He tried to convince me into sleeping with him, and golly gosh I'm a loyal beast, I hit that boy hard, to show my disapproval. But how can you keep hitting a Lion so beautiful? In a moment, I forgot myself, and unlike it was with Paladin, it felt right. Like I belonged.
The day after still, I saw Paladin, and I only craved my Lion, this proved that Giacomo was right.
I would have told Paladin that night, things could fall into place, but Giacomo appeared.
He hurt my Paladin, and Paladin ran away. From more than one kind of pain.
That night when he knew what I had done, he stopped talking and has never spoken since, despite my efforts, he hates me, and I will always love him.
Then began a time where I learnt about Giacomo, his parents chess game with Giacomo as the pawn.
Bullies, gangs, drugs to escape his pain, and violence.
Yet it seemed I could always protect him from it with belief and love
I was happy. I think it was a good time, with little friction.
Memories flicker, but the worst thing of all is, he's gone, and now I must retain my memories, even if its harder to recover, I can't forget.
I think it was my fault. I was foolish to think I could love a Lion and keep it.
He runs further away everyday.
Escaping in any outlet. From his pain, from being alone, and pushing everyone away, because people are afraid to love Lions, they don't understand them, they fear them, they hate them,
I'll say less on this part, but,
I believe in my Lion, they are brave and strong, more than they realise.
If the Lion knew his own strength, no man could stop him.
Giacomo is better than people realise, secret things I see..
Writing, poetry, art, reading, a beautiful nature
and a capacity for love,
Only weighed down by misfortune and poor judgement
I've said too much.
1/29/2010
It's the nice ones you have to look out for.
So people say I'm nice, and I empathise with all people, and I'm too nice to people for my own good, and I'm going to be used for it.
But when I'm nasty I'm actually shamefully horrible.
When I verbally abuse, I don't just call names, I use peoples deepest insecurities against them.
I'm too violent physically if it comes to it.
:/
Most of the time I'm too nice for my own good, so hakuna matata :D
But when I'm nasty I'm actually shamefully horrible.
When I verbally abuse, I don't just call names, I use peoples deepest insecurities against them.
I'm too violent physically if it comes to it.
:/
Most of the time I'm too nice for my own good, so hakuna matata :D
A pack of dogs.
Sometimes you see human behavior that shocks you, the ferocity they're capable of, the joy in inflicting pain, on both sides.
It's savage. There is a brilliance in it, but its warfare, and it hurts when you're inbetween.
I know I'm capable of it too.
It's savage. There is a brilliance in it, but its warfare, and it hurts when you're inbetween.
I know I'm capable of it too.
Instincts and Intuition
I'ma girl. We have feminine intuition. We can figure out things so simply when boys just get confuzzled.
I don't think many girls even realise they can.
Something everyone has are their instincts. When you first meet someone, you get a vibe. You may be mistaken if you don't see every angle. But when you feel with your instincts, for a simple thing like 'Are they trustworthy?' You're often right.
Love feels real, and its real in the sense you feel it, but it is an illusion.
Your heart tells you what you love, to follow your love
Your brain weighs up your options, whats logical. Good or bad?
Then your instincts, your beast, does what is natural. It is the only solid truth.
I don't think many girls even realise they can.
Something everyone has are their instincts. When you first meet someone, you get a vibe. You may be mistaken if you don't see every angle. But when you feel with your instincts, for a simple thing like 'Are they trustworthy?' You're often right.
Love feels real, and its real in the sense you feel it, but it is an illusion.
Your heart tells you what you love, to follow your love
Your brain weighs up your options, whats logical. Good or bad?
Then your instincts, your beast, does what is natural. It is the only solid truth.
Ho hum..
What does it take for a relationship to last these days?
Fidelis ad mortem. The latin for, Faithful unto death.
Fidelis ad mortem. The latin for, Faithful unto death.
Snobs and hypocrites.
Yeah my parents grew up poor. My mum grew up in a third world country on a rice farm. My dad grew up during WW2 in a small flat.
My mum was one of thirteen children, seven survived infancy.
My aunt once said to me,
'I had a twin you know'
'Really, where is she?'
'She died when we were little, because I WAS STRONGER' :D
...I laughed.
They lived raising waterbuffalo, and cultivating rice. They had lots of hard work on the farm on top of school, they lived in the house my grandparents built themselves.
My father grew up in a war, and he was used to death. He'd help clear up the streets by picking up arms (legs were too heavy for him at his age) It was common to go to school in the morning, sit during register, have John's name called out and someone to say,
'Oh, he died last night. Blown to bits'
The class would carry on as usual.
Once my dad was in his Aunt's house during an air raid. There was no time to go to shelter, so his aunt quickly hauled the sofa over, and threw him underneath, before climbing in after. A bomb went off outside the house and smashed open the windows. Shards of glass were embedded in the sofa when they emerged. He could have died that day.
He said it didn't bother him, because he was born into war. This was normality.
Daddy worked hard to earn our money, being intelligent, almost a genius. A successful toxicologist.
Growing up on the rice farm with Nui and Moi, it made me one of them. I've had the most fun in my life, being poorer than most people have ever known.
Anyway, they taught me not to look down on people with shallower pockets, cause they're just like me.
So I always loved anyone regardless of anything. Colour or background. And I was disgusted with anyone else who did.
Then I realised, that some people, who aren't as well off, automatically hate people who are. Fair enough, but it just seems.. weird?
Maybe they resent that they don't have as much, and that some people can be snobs, and you can stereotype that..
Whatever the reason, money doesn't matter to me, as long as I'm happy. Material objects don't have as much value as people who you love, and people who love you.
My mum was one of thirteen children, seven survived infancy.
My aunt once said to me,
'I had a twin you know'
'Really, where is she?'
'She died when we were little, because I WAS STRONGER' :D
...I laughed.
They lived raising waterbuffalo, and cultivating rice. They had lots of hard work on the farm on top of school, they lived in the house my grandparents built themselves.
My father grew up in a war, and he was used to death. He'd help clear up the streets by picking up arms (legs were too heavy for him at his age) It was common to go to school in the morning, sit during register, have John's name called out and someone to say,
'Oh, he died last night. Blown to bits'
The class would carry on as usual.
Once my dad was in his Aunt's house during an air raid. There was no time to go to shelter, so his aunt quickly hauled the sofa over, and threw him underneath, before climbing in after. A bomb went off outside the house and smashed open the windows. Shards of glass were embedded in the sofa when they emerged. He could have died that day.
He said it didn't bother him, because he was born into war. This was normality.
Daddy worked hard to earn our money, being intelligent, almost a genius. A successful toxicologist.
Growing up on the rice farm with Nui and Moi, it made me one of them. I've had the most fun in my life, being poorer than most people have ever known.
Anyway, they taught me not to look down on people with shallower pockets, cause they're just like me.
So I always loved anyone regardless of anything. Colour or background. And I was disgusted with anyone else who did.
Then I realised, that some people, who aren't as well off, automatically hate people who are. Fair enough, but it just seems.. weird?
Maybe they resent that they don't have as much, and that some people can be snobs, and you can stereotype that..
Whatever the reason, money doesn't matter to me, as long as I'm happy. Material objects don't have as much value as people who you love, and people who love you.
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